Issue 9, Volume 18

ANONYMOUS

I am Uyghur.  I cannot visit the homeland of my people, as beautiful as it has been described, for fear of imprisonment or endangering my family. I cannot share nice pictures with my family because that will put them in more danger – if they are even alive.  I have instead gathered a collection of publicly available photos in an attempt to put a human face to our people. For the last four years, my family have lost contact with family members in what is today known as “Xinjiang”. We know it as East Turkestan.

Issue 9, Volume 18

WINSTON BAKER

Vice-Chancellor Duncan Maskell is an elite administrator, widely credited with saving the finances of the University of Melbourne from the worst of the COVID-19 fallout. This week, he’s spotted a new efficiency-improving move to cut overhead, and reinforce the $1,335,000,000 endowment of the University of Melbourne.

Issue 9, Volume 18

​ELIZABETH JOHN

Issue 9, Volume 18

YING WONG

Issue 8, Volume 18

DELINNA DING

Xinjiang is a place which has gained notoriety across media headlines in the past couple of months, permeating even the selective discourse of our own law school bubble. A place unknown to most this time last year, has now become a reference point for modern day cultural genocide.

Most media publications about Xinjiang, on either end of the political spectrum, follow a fairly methodical and absolutist approach. The left paints a picture of a dark Nazi-esque dystopia; the right parades harmony day posters filled with dancing and plastered smiles. On all accounts, these depictions are voyeuristic. Most of them ignore, if not actively detracting from, critical engagement with the real emotional narratives which underpin the analysis of complex socio-political issues in the region. Almost all of them are unrepresentative of this place I once called home. 

Issue 8, Volume 18

WINSTON BAKER

In a shocking turn of events that has left MLS students reeling, Julian Sempill sat down in front of his Zoom D&E class today sporting a ‘Bintang’-branded tank-top.

The unprecedented move provoked audible gasps from his audience, followed by cries of anguish. Dr. Sempill, who holds a PhD from the University of Oxford, has hitherto cultivated a reputation for unimpeachable personal grooming. His appearance today has shattered that respectable public image. 

Issue 8, Volume 18

SIGOURNEY GOSS
​
Picture this: walking up to the law building, ready to start the 2021 semester. Prepared for another year of breakdowns, fierce debates, and silently crying in the MLS library wondering why you embarked on this endless journey of torture. But as you get closer, something is different. The once stress-riddled faces of law students are now replaced by care-free, smiling students all excited to start class. And then you see it. The porta via sign, ‘coffee for JD students now free, open 24hrs’. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Once drained by the hundreds spent on coffee on top of our crippling uni debt, we are now free to drive ourselves into the ground studying for days on end, with an endless supply of caffeine.

Issue 8, Volume 18

ANONYMOUS

Dear Pip,
​
After lockdown ends, I have a couple of suggestions for you on how to improve life for students around 185 Pelham Street. Actually, I only have one. And it’s that Melbourne Law School should now be themed around Radiohead. Being Australia’s premier law school is cool and all, but I think MLS would be better suited as an “art rock tour de force”.

Issue 7, Volume 18

MICHAEL FRANZ

​The LSS was contacted for comment by De Minimis. Their response is included at the end of the article.

Last Monday, 7th September, in a unanimous vote at the monthly committee meeting, the MULSS committee adopted a new and expanded version of the MULSS Social Media Policy - the regulations that govern acceptable use and engagement on the various LSS social media accounts including its various Facebook pages and groups. Historically, the social media policy has been a contentious subject. Following the adoption of its first iteration in 2015, De Minimis’ then Managing Editor (later EiC) Duncan Wallace wrote:

“I recognise that this is a difficult area [sic] but I think it is appropriate to take a conservative approach to this issue. I would guard against introducing new and untried social media policies the effects of which are unclear. The burden of proof should be on those who argue that it is necessary to introduce censorship.”

Issue 7, Volume 18

MYSTIC MORGAAN

I know you’ve heard about Mercury retrogrades, how if you’re a Gemini you’re really a two-faced bitch or how every Scorpio is obsessed with sex. But how does this all relate to clerkships? Is it really written in the stars? Now I know you’re all sick of hearing about astrology but what does it all mean? And can you really use astrology to work out whether you’ll get a clerkship?
 
I’m here to tell you what the stars have in store for you. Also note that these predictions can apply to your sun sign as well as your ascendant/rising sign.

Issue 7, Volume 18

ANONYMOUS

Dear student,

RE: Your Future

MultiNationale & Partners cordially invites you to the final stage of the Melbourne Intellectual Hunger Games Program 2020/2021. You have successfully compartmentalised your self-doubt and existential dread. You have even impressed your family.

The prize? 

The looming certainty of a midlife crisis, with a one in 100 chance of an equity partnership.

The final task? 

Discuss the following statement with reference to your corporate passion: 

“In the words of the late Mark Fisher it is ‘easier to imagine an end to the world than an end to capitalism’.”

Feel free to use visual aids – at MultiNationale & Partners, we value lateral cognitive capacity. Finish within fifteen absent doomscrolls of your Instagram. 

Begin below. 

Issue 6, Volume 18

YING WONG

Issue 6, Volume 18

ANONYMOUS

I open this article, excited to see some cute pics of my puss – but wait! This isn’t a picture of Daisy, my tabby cat. This is clearly a picture of the Hon. Michael Kirby AC CMG, taken in the High Court of Australia.

Issue 5, Volume 18

ANONYMOUS

The LSS was contacted for comment by De Minimis. Their response is included at the end of the article.
​
​As clerkship and graduate offer season is in full swing, JD students’ Facebook pages are in overdrive. It seems like nearly every couple of hours there is a post from the LSS or the GLSA just “letting us know” that a firm is open for applications. Or perhaps it’s an informative discussion with a firm employee and an LSS committee member, so that you can “get a feel” for what life is like at the firm. But if you’ve been following this stuff for a while, you might begin to notice that it’s only certain firms that get these posts. These firms are the ones that primarily fund the LSS, and in return the LSS spruiks them hard to us, the students. Which begs the question, just like Insta influencers in the US now must (#ad), should the LSS be disclosing when something is a sponsored post?

Issue 5, Volume 18

ROB​

For over 718 days, Dr. Kylie Moore-Gilbert, of the University of Melbourne, has languished in Iran’s notorious ‘Elvin’ and ‘Qarchak’ prisons, where she has reportedly endured prolonged solitary confinement and beatings. [1]

She was arrested by the Iranian regime’s security forces at Tehran Airport after having presented at an academic conference in Qoms in 2018. Her alleged crime was said to have been ‘espionage’ for which she received a sentence of ten years. However, no evidence was ever produced to suggest that these charges were true. Her trial was held in secret and her appeal dismissed, demonstrating the lack of any credible legal procedure the IRGC [2] dominated government of Iran purports to have. The Australian government has denied the allegations and her friends, colleagues and students find the trumped-up allegations absurd. [3]

Issue 5, Volume 18

ANONYMOUS

The LSS was contacted for comment by De Minimis. Their response is included at the end of the article.

First, I want to put a disclaimer that I am not well-versed in the exact jargon of the LGBTQIA+ community; so I want to apologise in advance if I misword some terms or explain some complex concepts incorrectly in this article. My purpose is to express, not to offend. And hopefully give some voice to other people in my situation.