LIB ERROL HACKE
Volume 9, Issue 10
Are you a wealthy middle-aged white man? Have you been feeling insecure about the socio-economic advances seemingly being made by women, young people, welfare recipients, and Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people? Are you concerned about the financial obstacles faced by giant corporations? Do you just really like whiskey? Fear no more! 2016 is the year for you, my friend! Your loyal servant, federal Treasurer Scott Morrison, has delivered a budget designed purely to cater to your needs. What a stand-up bloke.
Growth and prosperity are the watchwords of this year’s budget. And if there’s one thing that’s truly essential for growth and prosperity, it’s military aircraft. That’s why Mr Morrison has given the Department of Defence $32.3bn to spend on four new maritime patrol aircraft and 49 training aircraft, along with some top-of-the-range submarines and a raft of other fancy toys — I mean, vital defensive equipment. That should really give the Chinese something to worry about! *flexes bicep*
Nowadays, if you earn $80,000 a year, you’re only in the top 20% or so of earners in the country. Measly! Why should you have to support the other 80%? Why don’t they just work harder or get better jobs? Don’t worry lads, Mr Morrison has your back, implementing a nice little tax break for you. It’s not much, but it’ll cover the country club dues just fine.
And as for big business, Mr Morrison will cut their taxes too, in a laudable acknowledgement that large corporations have only ever served the interests of everyday Australian families.
And how about the roads in this country? Bloody hard to take the Lambo out for a spin with the state they’re in, full of speed limits and pesky cyclists. Well, Mr Morrison understands that cars truly are the way of the future in this country so he’s set aside the entirely appropriate sum of $7.9bn to make sure our roads are up to scratch.
Now, it’s fair enough that people who’ve had it a bit tough should get some money from the government. Otherwise they’d all die off and there’d be no one to exploit — ah, I mean, employ — in our companies. But make it too easy for them and they’ll just bludge about on the dole forever rather than working as they clearly all could if they tried hard enough. And the amount Centrelink pays all those public servants to make sure people comply with the completely reasonable and not at all demeaning procedures, oh boy, it’s enough to make you choke on your scotch fillet. This is why Mr Morrison has introduced a brilliant new plan: he’s going to cut 810 jobs from the Department of Human Services! Not answering 22m calls last year and having the Centrelink website crash every second day or so already kept the plebs nice and downtrodden, but this should really send the message home. And think of all the money we’ll have to spend on ego-massaging phallic symbols — I mean essential military hardware! Ingenious.
Mr Morrison is also taking the admirable step of taking no action to stop the funding cuts to the country’s community legal centres. Massive drain on the economy, CLCs, and what for? So a bunch of hoodlums can misuse the courts to “enforce their legal rights”. Utter nonsense. If these people can’t afford a real lawyer, they’ve got bigger problems to deal with. Besides, the good-for-nothing miscreants probably did whatever it was anyway.
Ideas are what made this country great. Ideas and sheep. That’s why Mr Morrison is going to facilitate an IDEAS BOOM through cutting funding to our national science organisation and promoting entrepreneurship. After all, what’s the point of having ideas if you don’t already know they’re going to make you money? It’s not like anything useful was discovered through sheer curiosity!
And finally, in the measure that really lets you know he’s looking out for you, Mr Morrison has introduced an excise rebate for whiskey distillers that’ll make the after work tipple with the boys just that much sweeter. Pip pip!
Lib Errol Hacke is a third-year JD student
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