Failing My Favourite Subject in Law School

16/5/2017

AYU MAYLINDA

Vol 11, Issue 11

I was a Literature and Linguistics major. In first year, there were not many subjects to which I was naturally inclined. I could rattle on and on and on about Othello and Chaucer but I could not tell you what a mortgage was.

And then there was Constitutional Law: a subject which, though notoriously difficult, I completely fell in love with. I never skipped a class. I read diligently before every class. I went through all 100+ pages of WorkChoices. In short, it was a subject for which I felt a certain affinity.

And then I failed.

It was hilarious, really, the day I found out I failed. I was on vacation with my friends and had been checking my phone compulsively every single day since the last examination and when the number flashed before my eyes I was in complete and utter shock… that I passed 3 other subjects for all of which I tried half as hard as I did for Consti.

I could explain to you all the different judgments in Williams No. 2 but I couldn’t get myself over 50.

The sense of pride that you had when you entered the venerated gates of Melbourne Law School? Forget about it. That day, I went ice-skating with a friend in the hopes of distracting myself and hit my chin on the barrier of the rink.

I went home with a bruised ego and a bruised chin.

I thought I was above basing my self-worth on a number on an academic transcript until I saw the number itself. And then I got mad about all the wasted effort I put myself through just to receive a bad grade. I cried on the phone to a couple of friends. I posted self-deprecating Snapchats when I had to cut my vacation short to sit the supplementary exam. Two 8-hour take-home examinations later, I have emerged with a renewed sense of abandon regarding assessments.

The funny thing about failure is that it forces you to take a second to reevaluate whatever mental fortitude you think you have. When, in this process of reevaluation, the worst thing you could do is punish yourself for feeling like a failure over a set of numbers. Disappointment is as native to the human condition as happiness; having a punitive attitude towards your own experience is unnecessary.

Once you’re done evaluating yourself, you begin to consider what others may think. Perhaps you’re worried that others will deem you unintelligent. The truth is, they may very well do so. But the opinions of others are external. The beauty of things which are external is that you can elect to incorporate them into your consciousness. After all, they do not dictate what is to be printed onto your academic transcript moving forward. Whether or not you choose to be open about your failure, let them be.
Being hard on yourself probably means you will be hard on others for the same thing; asking yourself whether you will be this judgmental of others in the same position really puts things in perspective. There are many factors that can contribute to a fail grade, and analysing the impact of the grade rather than the factors that may have led you there is counterproductive to future progress.

Of course, the practical impact of failing a subject is that you will have to repeat it. You will have to sit in a class full of eager first-years and come face to face with all the decisions that have led you here twice a week. And you will inevitably be left behind by some of your peers. I have yet to be able to speak to this specific experience, but having failed a subject in one of the most results-driven academic courses of all life will imbue you with a unique mix of IDGAF, a natural empathy for peers of yours who may be struggling within the course, and a reminder to be easier on yourself — 49 is, notwithstanding our fertile imaginations and strong emotions towards it, just a number.

If all efforts to self-console fail, just remember this: if Obama could sleep at night at least once in 8 years as President of the United States, so can you.

If you are struggling with your studies, please speak to your friends, family and teachers, contact the MULSS E&SJ team (lss-equality@unimelb.edu.au) or visit http://mulss.com/equality/wellbeing for more information on wellbeing support.

Ayu is a second-year JD student and Equality and Social Justice Director of the Law Students’ Society.

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Rosie

16/5/2017 07:28:44 pm

I seriously commend you for writing this Ayu, and can completely empathise with your experience.

As you (and I'm sure many others) know, I too failed constitutional law in my first year and had to repeat it. So too did I find out whilst I was away on holiday, where I proceeded to lock myself in my room for hours, filling my head with self-deprecating thoughts, before returning puffy-eyed and red-faced to my friends. I found it really hard to push the word "fail" out of my mind for the rest of the week.

I was that second year amidst the sea of eager first years, but felt far less shit about it being in a class with people like yourself, who were incredibly accepting and encouraging.

You will find it's honestly not that bad repeating, and if anything it brought me closer to my peers - they were always there whenever I meekly asked for help. I also made a few new friends along the way.

Keep your head up and don't forget to remind yourself of all you've achieved to date, and all you will continue to achieve. You got dis :)

Challenging the Narrative of Failure

16/5/2017 08:12:47 pm

Thank you for this article, Ayu.

In particular, I like that this challenged the narrative of failure. Certainly failure can happen to students who fall behind in a subject, struggle with in its entirety, and don't "grapple well" with it or enjoy it at all.

But it also happen to students who do all the readings, speak up in class, understand many of the cases and ideas well conceptually... but just struggle to apply it in the format of the exam in the way the assessor would like to see. Which can feel really demoralising at the time.

Means a lot to see this recognised.

Ayu

16/5/2017 08:36:37 pm

Whoever you are, I feel this on a fundamental level. Stay strong <3

The non deminimis alana

16/5/2017 11:24:16 pm

This article was so refreshing given how a lot of our cohort are feeling right now about upcoming exams. Amidst so much potential for negativity, you once again manage to put it in perspective and look at it as a lesson. No matter what, you will be so successful and you will empower so many people with your words.

Tinman

17/5/2017 12:10:54 pm

I find that being open about a failure is like opening the curtains in a room to expose the windows - more people may look in, but the number of dark corners are vastly reduced. Plus, neighbours are less inclined to gossip and make snide remarks from behind a chink in their own blinds.

But it takes courage to open those curtains, and the fact that you are able to do so points to a remarkable strength of character. In its own way, that speaks more (in both quality and quantity) than a number on a transcript ever could.

Yes, it is a trite sentiment, but I don't have much in terms of cpu at this time of year....

Thanks for the article.

Judge “Judge” judges the trial Judge’s judgmental judgment of the judged

17/5/2017 05:44:30 pm

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, experience and encouragement Ayu :). I too, despite loving Constitutional Law also failed it. It was my first ever academic failure since I can remember. And to have it sit there like a permanent stain on the transcript made me not only doubt my intelligence, question how the heck I even got into Law school but it also seemed to cast an unmoving shadow of shame. But beyond leering between the dangerous pits of depression and self-hatred one has to remember that at the end of the day you’ll live. You’ll get over it and in 30 years, your most important memories in life won’t be shaped by failure but rather the experiences in learning about what you love and meeting some amazing peers and teachers.

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Failing My Favourite Subject in Law School

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