Silk-Clad Jason Varuhas Covalesces in Ancestral Family Castle After Neck Wound

Volume 19, Issue 6

Winston Baker

The hearts of the MLS community go out today to our very own Professor Jason Varuhas. The beloved Remedies teacher suffered dual puncture wounds to his neck after a scuffle on the mist-shrouded MLS Moor. This reporter visited the home of the Professor, as he takes time off to recover.

What many people don’t know about ‘Big V’ (or Count Varuhas, as he is formally known), is that he hails from a long line of New Zealand nobility. He was kind enough to receive me at his family home – a beautiful building of undressed stone, set in the frigid North Island countryside. 

I was admitted past the heavy front door by Fushnchup, an austere man who helps the family tend to the house and grounds. Fushnchup showed me into a candle-lit drawing room, where I was graciously received by my host.

Wearing a luxurious silken cape and billowing white blouse, the Count Varuhas is not what one necessarily pictures when one thinks of an MLS professor. His eyes are alight with an inner energy, and his physique moves powerfully beneath his clothes. A noticeable paleness is the only indication that he had sustained an injury at all, such is his remarkable vitality. 

He is also a man of refined but eccentric taste. He politely suggested that I brush my teeth, before we sat down for our interview. I can’t blame him – I’d had garlic for lunch, and no doubt had the breath to prove it.

After I’d humoured his request, I began our interview by asking about the attack, as the Count sipped from a goblet of red wine. ‘I um stronger thun evuh,’ Jason mused in his charming corruption of the King’s English. ‘In a wuy, I um glad thut fate grasped my hund thut night.’ Looking at the opulent chateau surrounding me, I can readily see why he may have wished for some time at home. 

In a sentiment I’m sure we can all relate to, he confided in me that he has always loved the law, describing it as ‘deliciously human’. Over a meal of rare game, we discussed politics, philosophy, and theology. An apparent atheist, he took exception to my crucifix, and made repeated references to a satirical deity called the ‘Dark Prince’. 

By the time we finished eating, the night outside was black as pitch. The Count graciously invited me to stay the night as his guest, and face the drive back to Wellington in the morning.

Winston Baker has not yet returned from New Zealand.

The views in this article do not necessarily reflect the views of De Minimis or its Editors.