Moustachioed Peter Dutton Foiled Once Again by Masked Hero, Alberto

Issue 12, Volume 18

WINSTON BAKER

Peter Dutton was once again left fuming today, as his dastardly plot was foiled by the masked hero known to society only as “Alberto”. 

“My law-warp machine will suck the rule of law from right across Australia! Mwahaha!” Dutton was heard to cackle, before he was interrupted by a shout from above. “Knock, knock!” Alberto boomed, dropping down from the ceiling. Grabbing hold of Dutton’s contraption, he called out, “looks like your powers have been separated” and with a flex of his muscles, ripped the machine in half.

Who is this masked vigilante?

“Curse you, Alberto!!!” Dutton howled, as police sirens began to be heard in the distance. “I’ll be back! I’ll get you, and your dastardly rule of law!” he said, before fleeing his lair via a secret exit. Alberto let Dutton go, and focussed on his own escape, knocking out several rough-looking henchmen who blocked his way. 

The authorities have long speculated as to the identity of the mysterious Alberto. Their current working theory is that the masked vigilante is a Mexican pilot. “Alberto” is a popular name in Mexico, and the hero’s trademark calling card, the letters “PPL” usually refers to the holder of a Private Pilot Licence. “PPL” is often daubed on the foreheads of the corrupt public officials found trussed up outside police stations across the country.

Federal, state, and local officials have been targeted, and from all three branches of government. It is clear that whoever this “Alberto” is, he has no intention of himself adhering to federalism, the separation of powers, or indeed, the rule of law. 

The Australian Border Force has already invested heavily in air-defence capabilities, in order to deter any future irregular arrivals. “We will decide who comes into this country, and the circumstances in which they come,” a spokesperson said. “These giant fans are a humane and cost-effective way of blowing any future “Albertos” back to Mexico.”

This is not the first time the masked vigilante has prevented Dutton from stealing Australia’s rule of law, and it is unlikely to be the last. Just last month, Alberto foiled a scheme by the potato-faced villain to hypnotise the Governor-General, in an attempt to usurp responsible government.

In unrelated news, UniMelb teacher Matthew Albert was late to his 9am PPL class this morning. “Sorry,” he told his class, “I was busy taking out some garbage.” The student body expects better from our professors.

Winston Baker is a news reporter for De Minimis.