MLS Horoscopes

Issue 1, Semester 2

With the uncertainty of a new semester, it’s reassuring to place your faith in the wisdom of astronomy. De Minimis has consulted the stars on your behalf to reveal what is in store for you for the second half of the year.

Aries With Mercury rising in retrograde, love is in the air. Look to your left. You and the person sitting there will fall madly in love by the end of the semester. If you’re sitting alone, I don’t know, sucks to be you, I guess?

Credit: Phil Plait, https://flic.kr/p/daM86N

Taurus This week you’ll run out of good things to watch on Netflix and will resort to Transformers: The Last Knight. Big mistake, it is soooo bad. The pacing is terrible, dialogue is cringeworthy, there is no spatial continuity between shots, Mark Wahlberg is just phoning it in, and the aspect ratio keeps changing for no reason. OMFG, how good was Stranger Things though? What do you think happened to Hopper? Cannot wait for season four. 

Gemini Last semester was all about making friends. This semester is all about making enemies. That girl in the elevator yesterday you thought was glancing disapprovingly at your sweatpants? Yes, she was. Yes, she is basic. Track her down and find an opportunity to be REALLY passive aggressive in passing. 

Cancer This semester you will suffer an ironic death. Eaten by crabs. 

Leo As Saturn tips on its axis toward Pluto (I don’t know how planets work), your inborn talent as a leader comes to the forefront. It’s a good semester to take the lead in group work. Your teammates will just think you’re a domineering prick though. 

Virgo This semester you’ll somehow be able to pull off any outfit that you wear to school. It’s like a superpower. Cardigan with pinstripes? Easy. Turtleneck and poncho? Done. Gym clothes and opera cape? You know it. Test it out every day this week. 

Libra Mars rises through Capricorn this week. I doubt it means anything important. 

Scorpio This semester is all about getting what you want. Unfortunately, most people don’t like you very much, so to get your way you’re going to have to rely on subterfuge. It’s time for some schemes — the crazier and more convoluted, the better. I’m talking multiple parties, in elaborate synchronization, disguises and fake accents, possibly some opportunity for physical comedy such as some pulleys and weights. They all laughed at you and called you crazy. They’re the crazy ones! 

Sagittarius Man, those are some nice-looking stars you’ve got this week bro. I mean, just real fine. Cor, blimey! Would you look at that one? Yeeeeah staaars, yeeeew! 

Capricorn Capricorns are boring. Everybody knows this. It’s time to drastically overhaul your personality. I recommend developing contrarian opinions about case judgments because you think it’ll give you shock value. Express these opinions loudly during class and argue with the lecturer for extended periods. Everybody will love you for it. 

Aquarius You’re caught up in the middle of a vicious showdown between Venus and Jupiter, and they’re asking you to pick a side. You’ve known Venus for longer, and you’re pretty sure she’s in the right here, but you’re going to that party with Jupiter next week and don’t want to make things all awkward. Probably best to pretend you haven’t seen either of their messages by pretending you’re going on a social media detox this week. 

​Pisces As Orion spins into tardigrade, personality clashes become likely. Just remember, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, so step up your honey production girl! To be clear, I mean this in a very literal sense. You’re going to want to find a nice enclosed space such as a linen cupboard or spare bedroom in your house that you can convert into an apiary. Start out with a few hives, you can construct them yourself or order the parts from any decent online bee retailer. Keep the bees entertained with a rich musical diet. Acceptable artists include The Bee Gees, The Yellow Jackets and Sting. Do not play I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. The variety of queens this song appeals to, whilst possessing fabulous dress sense and choreography, are not well known for hive management. Do not give the bees individual names. There are too many of them, and you will rapidly run out of acceptable celebrity-themed bee puns. Bee-yonce, Susan Bee Anthony, Pope Bee-nedict XVI, etc. If the bees seem despondent, make sure that you give them plenty of motivation by reminding them to ‘bee positive’. After six to eight months, you should have a sufficient stockpile of honey for all the fly catching you need to perform. You might be wondering how any of this is relevant to your semester. But look on the bright side, once you’ve caught the flies, you can finally get rid of all those goddamn bees! Flies do not produce honey; however, they result in far fewer stings, and are on the whole the superior pet. 

De Minimis Editorial Team