Judith Marychurch Signs Off on Drone Strike of Note-Sharer’s Compound

Issue 13, Volume 18

WINSTON BAKER

MLS CiC Judith Marychurch today authorised a ‘targeted elimination’ pitched by her aides. Looking tired but resolute, the Assistant Dean later watched the grainy playback footage of the target structure disappearing in a cloud of debris. The compound, a share-house in Brunswick, was a known hotbed of collusion, presenting a ‘real and present threat to MLS interests’, per a spokesperson.

"We don't negotiate with colluders"

The strike comes just eleven days after Marychurch issued a stern warning to all colluders, and those who would give them succour. The warning, distributed to a wide array of potential suspects in the form of an email, noted the grave ‘implications of breaching [the] rules’.

It is understood that Marychurch was called into an urgent meeting in the MLS Situation Room at 1400 hours, when a team of data analysts concluded that an attack on Academic Integrity was imminent. ‘We estimate a 61% probability, based on surveillance data, that the target is poised to send his Corps notes to the group chat,’ an analyst reportedly told Ms. Marychurch. 

MLS data analysts had earlier this month determined that the University was operating within an ‘elevated threat environment’, due to the fact most Semester Two exams would be conducted at home. 

‘The word is out. The Law School’s adversaries will find no safe harbour,’ Ms. Marychurch told the press later that day. ‘Melbourne Law School reserves the right to defend itself from any and all threats, using whatever means necessary.’

This strike will likely strengthen public calls for civilian oversight of MLS strike assets. Last month, it was revealed that the Law School had poured millions of tuition dollars into an elite team of professors, tasked with conducting ‘decapitation strikes’ on note-sharing cells operating outside Australia. 

The existence of ‘Legal Team Six’ was only confirmed by the Law School after it conducted a high-profile raid in Islamabad, that killed notorious colluder Osama bin-Cheaten.

Winston Baker is the De Minimis war correspondent.