Hot, Single Girls in My Area Are Really Scraping the Barrel

Isuue 8, Volume 17

ŽIPRIŽE BUTŽEKS

Look, I don’t mean this as a flex, but a lot of girls are into me. A LOT. And I don’t mean, like, my grandma calls me up daily to ask about my day (which she does). This is a succession of real-live, jaw-dropping, scantily-clad babes taking a direct interest in me. 

I can barely boot up my computer, before an (inexplicably soapy?) Japanese nurse invites me in for a ‘checkup’, or a local underwear model sends me her DM link! No matter what time of day or night, there are dozens of eligible bachelorettes residing within 1 km of me, ready to tickle pickles, if you know what I mean. Nope, they’re not interested in getting to know one another. They saw me, and they know they want me.

And – get this – a lot of them are into exactly the same kind of kinky stuff that I am! I hadn’t told anyone about my [redacted by the De Minimis ethics board] fetish, but last month, a girl popped up on my Internet thingo offering to [redacted] and she’d pay for the goldfish! She told me to ‘act now’ but I know she’ll be back – they always are. Honestly, it’s a little desperate. 

But to be honest, I am never really willing to take the plunge and reach out to any of the sex-starved MILFS asking to come over to my place. I mean, I’m pretty hot. I’m under no illusions about the effect I have on women – it’s only natural. After all, I have long, luxurious hair, covering my chest. I can jump, like, really high. I can almost touch my toes. All these things combine to make me physically irresistible. Even so, I can’t help hesitating before ravishing the succession of multi-racial bikini models constantly offering themselves to me sexually.

I don’t let the attention get to my head. Even when my mates are bragging about sleeping with their girlfriends – who, don’t get me wrong, are lovely enough – I keep it under wraps that last night, Emma-fucking-Watson, star of the Harry Potter movies, was messaging me directly. I thought about replying – I mean, not everyone gets this opportunity – but she didn’t seem very friendly. She didn’t ask how I was, just launched straight into the old ‘can I come over?? I’m horny’ routine I’ve sadly come to expect from these thirsty fillies.

After all, I’m more than just a pleasantly moist body, with an alluring musk. I have feelings, and I have thoughts, too. I just don’t want to give it all up for a superficial girl. Besides that, I really have to question the emotional maturity of a girl who’d choose to date a high-achieving LawStudentTM such as myself. I know, I know, as a LawStudentTM, I’m one of the most intelligent people on Earth. However, I don’t have time for commitment, and I feel like a lot of girls will end up having a problem with that. With me, it’s ten minutes of seat-of-your-pants lovin’, and then I’ve got to work on my Torts assignment.

For now, the validation is enough for me.

Žipriže Butžeks, PhD, is an avid reader of De Minimis, and professor emeritus at Zoom University.