Eat Sh*t

Sem 2 wk 12

Anonymous Bowl Cleaner​

This piece purports to be a case summary of the seminal judgment, Plaintiff Anonymous Bowl Cleaner v Non-Flushers (2018).
Facts
The plaintiff is an MLS student (negotiable) who drinks a lot of water (non-negotiable) and has a 3-hour break between classes on Wednesdays. The plaintiff goes to the bathroom … a lot.

Parties

• Plaintiff: ABC (Anonymous Bowl Cleaner), author of this case summary
  
• Defendant: If I knew who you were… angry react
  
• Interveners: AGs for Vic, WA, QLD because they legit always slide in to Crommelin’s DMs #lawschoolhumour #savemeYing
  
• Amicus curiae: Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission
  
• McKenzie friend: Why not? Bit of moral support never hurt anybody.
  

Issue
Why don’t people flush?
Arguments
Non-flushers:

1. I don’t want to wait the 5 seconds after I’ve already tried flushing to try again.
   
2. I get a thrill out of flashing unsuspecting toilet-goers.
   

Relief/Remedies

• Injunction
  
• Throw in some damages, too.
  

Reasoning
FLUSHERS J
I have had the benefit of reading in draft the opinion of my noble and learned friend Lord Bad-to-the-Bowel , with which I am in full agreement and yadda yadda I’ve saved you 3 hours but sometimes I lie awake at night and think that maybe this is also why I’ll never have a C before my J.
LORD BAD-TO-THE-BOWEL
I’m down with the kids. Thus, I’m well aware that generations of law students will need to summarise my judgments for their exam notes. I’ve helpfully adopted IRAC in my reasoning below.
Issue I’ve just decided to roll with despite neither party actually raising this as something they want answered
Are there too many unflushed toilets in the bathrooms?
Rule
One per bathroom is fair. One per cubicle is the disappointing norm.
None would be great, fam.
Application
On the facts, I will summarise the characteristics of each floor’s bathrooms.
Ground Floor & Mezzanine: unflinching horror awaits you, but it’s anticipated from the moment you chose these bathrooms. There are paper towels and water droplets everywhere – honestly, it’s low-key kind of on you if you didn’t brace yourself for impact.
Levels 1 & 2: I applaud your shamelessness in having ablutions in the busiest bathrooms in the biz, sans a Japanese singing toilet to mask the blatant plopping noise. I must also commend your bravery in taking what I have to assume is a calculated risk in emerging from the cubicle without flushing and facing down the next lessee of this desecrated space. But it does beg the question - why???? Why, when the reputational stakes are so great and the exertion necessary to flush is so low, would you not? Why?
Level 3: This is very much the bathroom you let your guard down around before it decimates your mood with a sneak guerrilla attack of such length and girth you wonder if it came out as is or expanded on impact.
Level 4: I’ve never gone up the stairs in the library. I’d have to conceal my panting as a cough. Uncharted territory. May have to refer back to lower courts to get this evidence.
Level 5: You’re forgiven for thinking this floor is high up enough to be safe, but it is not so. Its close proximity to the kitchens make it a prime piece of real estate.
Levels 6 & 7: Nigh orgasmic, this is a sacred space of almost indecent luxury. O ye of plentiful toilet paper, near silence, sparkling porcelain, and no other cubicle occupants!
Levels 8+: Getting a bit too big for your britches, are we? I’m not worthy of these bathrooms. Threshold reqs make me underqualified by at least twoPhDs, and at least one of them from Oxbridge.
Conclusion
I can forgive a few skid marks. I can forgive a consistent, tacitly agreed upon floor wherein sh*t may truly hit the fan. But I will remember the betrayal of a normally spotless bathroom spoiled by a sight I was unprepared to inch forward and peer into the bowl to see.
Flush, you unreasonable, tortfeasing, punitive-measures-foisting arseholes.