Commencing Class of Aspiring Human Rights Lawyers Metamorphises Into Graduating Class of Corporate Suits

In a tale as old as time, a commencing class of would-be human rights lawyers have emerged from the MLS cocoon as fledgling corporate cowboys.

Three years ago, the dozens of bright-eyed young whippersnappers had walked through the doors of the Law School, cradling dreams of doing good in the world. Arts degrees in hand, they had hoped to become tomorrow’s ICC prosecutors, Greenpeace in-house counsel, and pro bono civil rights defenders.

Over the course of a three-year transformation, those fatty juvenile impulses were carefully pared away, and a beautiful, billowing thirst for wealth grown in their place. 

‘Most people, when they see a vampiric corporate lawyer, don’t appreciate the complex natural process that gave him the wherewithal to draft foreclosure notices,’ an unnamed MLS professor told De Minimis.

One of the graduates is Fleur,* who had once dreamed of prosecuting war criminals in the Sudan. ‘I didn’t read ten thousand pages of dusty judgements to make hippy money,’ she confided in this reporter.

Another student, Christophe,* told De Minimis the decision was one of convenience. ‘I had this crazy plan to defend Tibetan prisoners of conscience,’ he laughed, ‘but do you know how bloody cold it gets in Tibet?’

The complex natural phenomenon, which occurs every year, has been cited by biologists as a rare example of ‘autoacquisitive acclimation’. It is only seen elsewhere in the animal kingdom in failed rock stars, private school potheads, and geese. 

Perhaps nowhere is this circle of life better embodied than in Joe,* who as an undergraduate environmental activist had spent a summer living amongst a herd of elephant seals as one of their own. He had come to MLS to bring to justice the hunter who had slain his seal-wife, Margaret. Now, he has accepted a job at Rio Tinto, drafting legislative amendments which would make it illegal for Aboriginal people to leave their culture on top of mineral deposits.

Despite disruptions caused to the MLS habitat caused by COVID-19, the population of corporate lawyers in Australia is expected to rebound quickly. There is still a plentiful supply of greed in the environment, and diverse habitat available, stretching from William Street to Spring Street.

‘We are so blessed at the amount of litigation coming out of this pandemic,’ said one researcher. ‘The financial carcass of just one insolvent tradie can sustain a young corporate for over a year. Remarkable.’

Winston Baker

*Some names have been modified.

This article is the result of a collaboration between De Minimis and legendary naturalist Sir David Attenborough. It was originally published in the journal Nature.