Aila Ayi’s list of things to do whilst social distancing

Issue 4, Volume 17

AILA AYI

So this sucks. Obviously. But as my high-school German exchange partner’s sister’s husband would say ‘Wat mutt, dat mutt’ [1]. In the spirit of Germanic optimism here is a list of ways to take advantage of the opportunity that social distancing has presented:​

Photo by Matthew Pilachowski on Unsplash

1. Eat garlic. Cook with garlic. Use it with reckless abandon. 
   Those who know me irl know I am most excited by this prospect, and to those who don’t know me irl and at this rate will never know me irl: I am so excited by this prospect. Personally, I have prepared Laba garlic [2] to enjoy during this time away from other people. My Laoye has been known to chop it up and sprinkle it onto his fruit yoghurt [3]. However you like to consume your garlic, just do it [4]. Now is the perfect time [5]. 
2. ​Grow out your eyebrows (or other facial hairs).
   Not satisfied with your eyebrows? Want to see if you can pull off the Frida Kahlo’s iconic monobrow? [6] Or what about Tom Selleck’s moustache? [7] Now is the time to try it out. No one will ever know.
3. Get a foster pet.
   I stole this one from a friend. If your circumstances are amenable, why not get a foster animal? During the normal semester no-one has time for a pet. You have to let them out then in then out then in and who has time for that? But now, you’re at home. All. The. Time. Adding a cute furry companion is guaranteed distraction for a few minutes each day. 
4. Get an extra hour of sleep each night.
   This one doesn’t need much explanation. For a lot of us, going into MLS takes at least an hour, often more, out of our days. Use that hour to sleep. 
5. Study in your best outfits.
   Sure, wear your pyjamas for a few days. But I am low-key convinced that pyjama brain is a thing. Instead, wear that outfit that you can’t wear to uni because it’s too formal, but that you also can’t wear to your entry level job because you are not Jessica Pearson yet. Yet. [8]
6. Watch comedy or literally anything that isn’t a pandemic film.
   Now is not the time to watch pandemic movies. Does Contagion have Jude Law in it? Sure. But you know what else has Jude Law in it? The Young Pope. And that’s on SBS On-Demand. Personally, the furthest that I will be straying from the comedy genre will be over to the rom-com genre where I can watch Hugh Grant bumble around like the affable half-idiot that he was in the 90s to early 2000s. 
   • Sub tip:
     You know those comedians that you love but can’t really watch for the fear of being socially ostracised? You know the ones.  Maybe they’re terrible people, maybe they’re not. I’m just saying, no one will know… [9]
7. Write something for Demin
   Obligatory plug. You knew this was coming. But you know, keep in touch. Text your mates. Skype your MLS buds. Try and say as mentally sane as possible. [10] This too shall pass.

That’s all for now, kids. Stay inside, and wash your hands! [11]

Ex oh ex oh, Aila Ayi 

[1] This is a Low (Northern) German dialect version of ‘was muss sein, muss sein’ which basically translates to what has to be, has to be. Although upon further googling for a more fluent translation I came across the saying ‘needs must when the devil drives’ which, of course, I had never heard of. Turns out it has been around since circa 1420 in the form of “He must nedys go that the deuell dryues...” from  Assembly of Gods, and then again in Shakespeare’s All’s Well That Ends Well:

                       Countess: Tell me thy reason why thou wilt marry.
                      Clown: My poor body, madam, requires it: I am driven on by the flesh; and                         he must needs go that the devil drives.

​(Is this clown basically saying that he wants to get laid? Dr Norman Swan advised against casual sex in an episode of ABC’s Coronacast so we’ll all be sympathising with this clown soon.)

[2] Laba garlic is essentially raw garlic soaked in vinegar. It is delicious but will come out of your pores for weeks after consuming.

[3] My grandpa, for all you white folk out there. I am not even close to being the most culinarily strange in my family. 

[4] Except if you want to eat it with bat. Ffs, don’t do that.

[5] If you live with other humans get them to also consume garlic and you will all be happy. Now is not the time to break up.

[6] You can’t.

[7] You still can’t.

[8] I would personally not recommend traipsing up and down your stairs in 11cm heels and a tight pencil skirt. I tried. It did not end well.

[9] 😈 (devil emoji)

[10] That said, I will not be taking up meditation. Not now. Not ever. Napping on the other hand? I could get used to a post lunch siesta.

[11] Is no one else bothered by our apparent lack of hygiene pre- corona? The hygiene practices we should probably keep.  


​Aila Ayi​ an anonymous second-year JD student.