Volume 20, Issue 6
Australia has continued to break records this week as the number of Covid-19 cases continue to skyrocket. On the 30th of July 2021 the National Cabinet met and formulated a four-phase national plan to get Australia to a ‘Covid normal’ as soon as possible. While currently in phase 1, it is vital that the government implements the most effective measures it can to contain the virus. We at De Minimis thought we would help the process along and formulate some restrictions we think would be consistent with the health advice and get our case numbers trending down immediately.
1 - 22 hour curfews
The curfew has been very effective in reducing the number of cheeky home benders and one night stands that contributed to transmission in the past, but more can be done. That’s why we think that the curfew should be flipped. Rather than being confined to our homes from 9pm-5am every day, there should be a two hour window in which people are allowed out of their homes. This will help ensure that there can be no more sneaky indoor gatherings with friends during daylight hours.
Of course if everyone is allowed out during the same two hours each day, the streets will be busier than ever and the restriction will be completely useless. That’s why every morning at 9am, Premier Daniel Andrews should hold a press conference and pull star signs out of a hat to decide who gets their two hours when. The first sign drawn gets its two hours from 9am-11am, then the second sign from 10am-12pm, and so on in that fashion. With a reduced opportunity for compatible signs to have overlapping outdoor time, not only will there be fewer people out, but the ones that are likely won’t get along or want to be near each other.
2 - full body condoms
People are spending too much time in each other’s proximity without adequate COVID-19 protections. That’s why we think that everyone should wear a full body condom whenever they go to densely populated areas.
These should be of the form-fitting sex shop variety as opposed to the comedy costume variety, as the latter still allows air to circulate through the costume, exposing the community. The outfit must also be airtight. We understand that people will be unhappy with this - we know no one realistically wants to witness air pockets travelling up their partner’s back, and to see sweat covered latex stuck to armpits, but this is something we must do.
Some critics have taken aim at the claim that the outfit will 100% prevent COVID-19 infection, citing that this is only so because lack of oxygen will kill the wearer first. This is why we want to introduce an extra restriction, in that only free divers and others with exceptional lung capacities are able to wear them for longer than 2 minutes. We realise this would make exercise exceptionally challenging, but Victorians are tough and will figure it out. After their activities, suit wearers must report to certain designated parks and sporting fields, where they are to be hosed down en masse before being allowed to go home.
3 - tighty whities
We realise that so far our proposed restrictions are largely about preventing community transmission, when in reality the majority of people will catch Covid-19 in their homes or workplaces. To tackle this, we recommend the ‘tighty whitey’ rule, which involves everyone wearing underwear on their heads at all times. This will mean that if you are conversing with someone with Covid-19 and the virus attempts to infect you, it will be confused by your absurd appearance and question whether it wants to be associated with you.
This outbreak especially has shown that the virus is often transmitted between the cool, hip, younger generations, so it’s only appropriate to use the power of cringe to our advantage.
4 - lip injections and botox
As a final line of defence against the virus, we think it best that Byron-style lip fillers and sinus botox be mandated for all Australians. The added plumpness to the lips will make it near impossible for people to open their mouths and breathe in the virus and the botox should freeze the nasal passage in a way that prevents any inhalation.
Once again, we recognise that this will make it quite difficult for people to engage in day to day activities such as eating, talking, and breathing. To mitigate this we suggest providing all Victorians with their own personal oxygen tank so that tubes can be inserted into the nose and allow people to safely breathe. We would also want all Victorians to be given a pen and notepad for communication and to have a feeding tube apparatus installed in the home so that household members can take turns getting their nutrients.
With these additional restrictions in place, we think Victoria will be well on the way to beating Delta and reaching a little higher up on Premier Andrew’s liquor cabinet.