Equitably Maximise Your Love Life

EQUITY UNCLE
Volume 4, Issue 5, (Originally published on Monday 26 August 2013)

Dear Equity Uncle,

    I hesitate to trouble you with my romantic troubles, but I cannot start; they have not begun. My friends say she is out of my league, so I can only hope for a drunken hook-up. I am aghast; this should not be how we organise ourselves. However, I may have to accept their fact. Never having heard of these leagues, I don’t know what to do next. Have they ossified into law, or can Equity help?

    Wasn’t Aware There Was a Ladder to Climb
 
Dear Unaware,

    Why has everybody become afflicted by semi-colons? Let it be known that Equity abhors the semi-colon. Equity prefers — of course — the em-dash.

    Equity doubts there has ever been a person outside of Equity’s league. Equity’s jurisdiction is as wide as Equity’s smile. Equity’s physique leaves women breathless and men shivering. Equity lifts, learnèd brother.

    Although principle is best, Equity is not blind to reality. The reified League puts it too highly, but it is true that some people pitch, and some people catch. This need not be as unconscionable as it sounds, because people can change.

    Equity has two suggestions. Equity makes jokes about semi-colons and em-dashes, which is why Equity is so popular. You could try this. Or, you could learn to do jump squat burpees. Equity can do a hundred.
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    All the best,
    Equity Uncle

Equity Uncle