Volume 3, Issue 5, (Originally Published on Monday 8th April 2013)
5) The Toff – For some reason, being in grad school hasn’t taken away the allure of partying with drunken 18-year olds. Going to the Toff is like staying in a bad relationship. Despite there being a million better options, at the end of the night after making a stop on the trashy train at McDonald’s, law students always come crawling back to the Toff.
4) High territoriality – This behavior includes being overly protective of your notes, notes scavenged off an upperclassman, and spiraling into a homicidal rage every time a commerce student sneaks into the third floor private study area.
3) Substance abuse – Namely, coffee and alcohol. Coffee flows through law students’ veins, if the zombie hordes crowding around Porta Via every morning is any indication. They may try to glamorize it by reveling in how hip they look at Seven Seeds, but underneath the Ray Bans and skinny jeans looms a burning and insatiable need for caffeine. Alcohol is a glorious and much needed elixir after an assignment, exam, lecture, or moot. Because law students are actually just training to be high functioning alcoholics, double fisting as many drinks as humanly possible when there’s a bar tab and drinking like you don’t want to live is completely acceptable.
2) Whining – Like Occupy protesters or British tourists, law students are pretty damn good at whining and complain about every single reading and assignment day in, day out. At school, outside of school, and on Facebook, law students will emphatically ramble on about how difficult life is in the cushions of academia (and probably isolate and bore their non-law school friends in the process).
1) Big time intellectual masturbation – Because to be a good law student, it’s important to be a pretentious, condescending know-it-all. Symptoms include a penchant for relentless mockery at the more neurologically impaired and an attitude of generally not giving a shit about anything that’s not coming out of your own ass. Between using legalese when speaking with the plebes (AKA non-law students) and scoffing with disdain whenever someone asks a ‘stupid’ question, it’s pretty clear that law students get off on the sound of their own voice like a 12-year-old boy to a Victoria’s Secret catalogue.