In Need of Quiet

Agony Aunt
Volume 3, Issue 3, (Originally Published on Monday 18th March 2013)
 
Dear Agony Uncle,
 
In one of my classes, there is a girl who types so violently that the entire desk row shakes when she is taking notes, or more frequently, when she is on facebook chat. Even when I manage to avoid sitting in the same row, the typing is so loud I can’t pay attention and it’s driving me insane. What can I do to make her stop?
 
In Need of Quiet
 
Dear in Need of Quiet
 
I’m not sure whether to prescribe you a psychologist or a seismologist. It would seem that your colleague and would be earthquake has made it her business to become a rather bothersome addition to your class. Indeed, tectonic shifting and persistent shaking have been proven to be a distracting and dangerous obstacle to effective learning. It is clear that measures must be taken, although the severity of the problem is debatable. It is obvious that certain ‘mature resolutions’ such as: communication of the issue, moving to a far-away desk or even ‘spilling’ coffee all over her keyboard have been exhausted and you are coming to this forum for more esoteric ideas.
 
Her indiscretion towards your desire to concentrate in class calls for a suitable method of punishment. Her actions, while almost assuredly unintentional, are petty; and so should be your revenge. Consider bringing your own computer to class next time, and instead of matching her loud typing, why not attempt to be louder? Perhaps once she has been shown the true power of tremor-inducing keystrokes, she will see the error of her ways.
 
If that solution is not satisfactory why not simply remove her hands? Nothing ruins a Facebook conversation faster than the garbled messages, frustratingly typed out with two fingerless stumps.
 
Sincerely Uncle Cyril
 
Agony Aunt