L is for Lift-Riding Freeloaders

CHARLES HOPKINS
Volume 1, Issue 5 (Originally Published 26 March 2012)
 
(It’s only week five and already my titles are getting tenuous).
 
Back to the point though: people who ride the lift from ground to mezzanine are SCUM.
 
There’s only two kinds of people worse than lift-riding free-loaders (lift- loaders for short): people who ride the lift from mezzanine to ground, and One Direction fans. How are tween boy bands still a thing? I can concede that the blonde one rocks the peroxide, and the Indian guy has some moves, and the short one has dreamy eyes... I wonder if there are still concert tickets available...
 
These lift-loaders are just selfish. They’re like the people on trams who take up several seats, or block the doors at peak hour, or have a hot-and-heavy-make-out- session in front of everyone. Okay, so I wrote this column on the way home from law school; what of it?!
 
The only circumstances in which it’s acceptable to ride from ground to mezzanine in the lift is if you’re a handicapped person, a pregnant woman or a bathmophobic. Yes you guessed it; a ‘bathmophobic’ is someone who is ‘afraid of stairs or slopes’. You know what on second thought, it’s not okay to be a bathmophobic, it’s pathetic; walk up the stairs like normal people should.
 
It’s the worst thing you can do in an elevator. It’s worse than farting, it’s even worse than having a mundane elevator conversation with someone you kind-of know: “oh hey!”, “heeeeyyyyyy,”, “how are you?”, “yeah really well, you?”, “yeah swamped at the moment that ____ assignment is killing me,”, “oh my god I know right?” (level 3 arrives) “okay well this is my level,”, “I’m actually headed up to level 4 so I’ll catch you later.” Which is obviously a lie because no one goes to level 4 by elevator. NO ONE.
 
There are so many reasons why it’s unacceptable: it wastes everyone else’s time, it’s bad for the environment, it fosters obesity, and it fuels terrorism and homophobia.
 
When speaking to a fellow first year about the issue (and unlike previous ‘research’ of mine, this did actually happen), she informed me that during orientation she was told this practice was unacceptable.
 
This is a good start but it’s like telling people to stop burning fossil fuels – it’s just not enough. At the risk of Clive Palmer throwing his weight around at the High Court (ba dum chhhh), I propose an all-out anti-lift-loaders campaign.
I demand public naming and shaming, mob-to-individual confrontations, and floggings.
 
Note to self: is inciting violence a crime? Probably should spend less time ranting about meaningless rubbish and doing my Criminal Law readings.
 
This year Charles Hopkins will be on Dancing with the Stars because he is neither a dancer, nor a star.