L is for Losing It

CHARLES HOPKINS
Volume 1, Issue 12 (Originally Published 21 May 2016)
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I spoke to a friend recently and he told me about his new study technique. He’s created an mp3 file that he’s put on his iPhone, whereby for 25 minutes, nothing but a ticking noise sounds, and then at the 25th minute a piercing alarm bell rings. At this point he takes a five minute break, and then recommences the 25 minute cycle.

That’s where his anecdote ended, but I imagine that after doing this for a period of some hours, he retreats to somewhere private to kick puppies.

This is not normal behaviour! I blame it on week 12. In the final week of semester, the cohort loses it.

I have a test to evaluate whether a colleague of yours is in fact crazy. First, ask them this question: “why did the cow get the job?” They then respond “why?” To which you deliver the punchline: “because she was outstanding in her field.” If the person laughs for more than 4 seconds, he or she is clinically insane.

Exams seem to be the primary cause. The closer we get to final assessment, the more unhinged the student body becomes. It’s like Gotham City when the Joker pushes the citizenry to their limit, except we don’t have a Batman! Unless Arlen Duke is actually a crime-fighting billionaire... That would explain why he’s so awesome...

But I think the reason the sense of madness is so pronounced is that each cohort is grappling with profound issues issues other than exams; we’re trying to figure out if Kristin Stewart can effectively navigate her way from Twilight fame to celebrity legitimacy.

Then you’ve got first years especially rattled with their first law exams; which they should be because the exams will be f***ed. Second years are stressing about clerkships: either not getting them, or if they’re not applying, they’re stressing about not applying. And third years are awaiting job offers.

Imagine if you didn’t get one; I would probably kill myself. On second thoughts: everyone should be freaking out!

Here’s what I advise. First years: buy Ritalin. Second years: screen grab Facebook photos of your competitors and make RSVP profiles of them wanting strange things, like a partner who likes hairless cats and weird sex things... like... I don’t know... sex standing up. And third years: you should start an illicit affair with senior employees at your work of choice, so if you get declined, you can blackmail them.
Please note I don’t know if these things are moral or not because I haven’t taken Legal Ethics yet.

By the way, I acknowledge that I’ve one-eightied this week; I’m saying that ‘losing it’ is an appropriate course of action. Perhaps that’s evidence that I’m also losing it? Or perhaps Charles only wrote the first half this article, but now Eddie, his evil imaginary twin has metaphorically killed him and written the second half?

Hahahahaahahahahah that’s ridiculous! I’m Charles! I’M CHARLES!

Charles Hopkins may or may not return to write for De Minimis next semester; it will depend if Larundel Mental Hospital has internet access.