Volume 4, Issue 6, (Originally published on Monday 2 September 2013)
Leaked internal Equity Party documentsprovided to De Minimis reveal that while student numbers have been increasing seemingly exponentially, the diversity of positions on the LSS Committee has not. For this reason, Equity Uncle says that the first priority of any LSS President must be to create a whole host of new LSS positions to cater to this wider student body. Equity Uncle is confident of being elected to all of these positions.
De Minimis caught up with the elusive Equity Uncle to discuss these exciting new plans.
Equity Uncle, why do you think we need a democratically-elected LSS Batman?
At the end of last year, Equity spent two or three months in Florence drinking Fernet Branca and waiting for Michael Caine. It was a good break from the law, and Equity requires that the LSS fund this position in the long-term. LSS Batman will also be responsible for enforcing justice and vengeance around the law school. No more non-law students on Level 3. No more elevator trips from ground to mezzanine. No more hockey pants.
How will LSS Rupert Murdoch ensure that De Minimis maintains a fair and balanced approach to reporting on the issues that affect hard-working Australian families?
LSS Rupert Murdoch needs to know what the Aussie battlers at Melbourne Law School care about. To that end, he will set up LSS News of the World to monitor students and their voicemails.
Independence in the press comes from having a choice of point of view dictated by LSS Rupert Murdoch. Equity will also adopt a child to serve as heir and sacrificial goat.
The LSS School Prefect role comes with great honour and responsibility— how will you ensure that appropriate decorum is maintained around the law school? Decorum at the law school is at an all-time low. Punctuality, school uniforms, sunsmart practices and polite discourse must be restored. Equity will establish a system of lunchtime detentions to penalise unlawyerly conduct. A strict ‘no hat, no play at law school today’ policy will be enforced. A register will be keptof parent contact information for repeat offenders. Melbourne Law School will be great once more.
Equity Uncle, how do you plan to fund the position of LSS Conspiracy Theorist? Can you confirm the exact parameters of the portfolio?
In 1943 the totalitarian Keating Government created the Supreme High Court, and made all of its judgments secret. You haven’t heard about them, have you? That’s because they’re secret. Equity will release [redacted] costings before the election. Trust only Equity.
As LSS Summer Clerkship, what will you do to help students with their applications and interviews?
Equity has always wanted to be a commercial lawyer. Many students have complained the Legal Theory classes are too abstract to be of any use. As LSS Dworkin, what will you do to encourage students to think deeply about the law and its role in society? Equity does not care for Legal Theory.
Can you outline for us the first ninety days of your position as LSS Tom Cruise?
LSS Tom Cruise’s ordinary responsibilities include patrolling, chewing gum, shooting people, and studying family law. LSS Tom Cruise will also have responsibility for ensuring that all couches, chairs and ottomans around the law school are sufficiently springy. However for the first few months of tenure, LSS Tom Cruise will be busily undergoing some rather significant orthodontic work.
If you are never invited to committee meetings as LSS Kirby J, how will you assuage the harshness of the common law?
Equity will establish the doctrine of the LSS Committee Meeting At Equity, by which people will be taken to have said what Equity would have said. LSS Kirby J will also commission five people to write five more biographies of Kirby J. Disney is often blamed for encouraging girls’ passivity. As LSS Cinderella, how will you focus on undoing the damage brought by cartoon Princesses— I’mma let you finish but Equity danced with the prince all night because Equity is the best dance teacher of all time! Equity is flexible but does not change for a man nor does Equity need a man. I’mma not let you finish.
Any closing remarks?
Equity could be LSS Hypnotist because of the comforting, disarming timbre of Equity’s voice. Equity once wrestled a bear to the ground by whispering to it. Equity both embraces and transcends democracy and encourages you to vote, validly, in the LSS elections.
De Minimis endorses Equity Uncle for LSS Batman.