Vol 11, Issue 10
There had been rumblings amongst the student populace for weeks. The faint stink of inequity floated through the MLS corridors as rumours spread about the toilets on Level 10. Students claimed that the Level 10 toilets are home to a burning beacon of injustice. Apparently, these privies are privy not only to the behinds of esteemed guests of MLS, but also to better toilet paper than the rest of the law school. Clearly, it was time to get to the bottom of the matter.
Having downed three long blacks in preparation, I set out for Level 10. I was greeted at the foyer to be asked what I was here for.
“Please,” I said, glancing downwards pointedly, “It’s an emergency.” No further questions were asked and I hastily made my way to the inner sanctum.
And what did I find? Well, you know what they say. There is no stench without substance. Level 10’s porcelain thrones were resplendent – and had much nicer toilet paper. At least four ply. Possibly quilted. Never had I known such luxury.
Well, that settled it. This inequality had to be brought to a halt with the force of industrial strength Imodium. Balance had to be restored to MLS’ bathrooms, because this pooping privilege could not endure. Alas, it was too late. Below, the news of Level 10’s pooping privilege had hit the student body like a dodgy kebab at four in the morning. Unsurprisingly, a shit-storm erupted and the campaign for the Right To Wipe began.
It seemed that MLS students all wanted the same thing, but what they really wanted to do was to argue about how to get it. The main source of disagreement has apparently arisen between Scrunchers and Folders.
Between the groups, a great deal of shit-flinging has taken place, culminating in the infliction of turd-degree burns. Most of the arguing has occurred online, though it looks as though it may spill out into the real world. Scrunchers and Folders have threatened to fart in each other’s general directions, though this is unlikely to do more than produce additional hot air.
Curiously, Folders have been observed to smell their own farts while Scrunchers have allegedly been walking around in a pronounced cloud of smug. This doesn’t achieve much, but apparently everyone likes getting a waft of their own brand as much as hearing opinions that perfectly echo their own.
Scrunchers have pointed out that we should all be heavily involved in this movement and getting our hands dirty, while Folders have retorted that this is exactly what we’re trying to avoid. Scrunchers have attempted to explain that this is just an expression, but miscommunication is inevitable in a highly charged environment like MLS.
Meanwhile, a Folder’s suggestion that Japanese Toto toilets with warmed seats could improve the overall quality of toilet time has been dismissed as ‘out of touch.’ What is needed is better toilet paper, not better toilets. According to Scrunchers, Folders’ parents have probably been paying for their toilet paper all their lives. That Folders took exception to being insulted in this way was clear evidence that they were in denial about their pooping privilege. To the consternation of both sides, a Folder then posited something about neo-liberal economics. Little soul searching regarding mutual pooping prejudice took place during this exchange of effluent.
Ultimately, hashtags such as #notallfolders and #notallscrunchers became commonplace as both teams began to launch straw-man arguments that had increasingly little to do with finding a way to spread high quality toilet paper throughout the law building.
In addition, the Men’s Right to POop Organisation (MRPOO) has raised concerns, not about toilet paper quality, but the generally fetid nature of the male toilets at MLS. In particular, the lack of paper hand towels on the ground floor. MRPOO was promptly told to shut up and use the hand dryers like everyone else. It was also pointed out that, seeing as everyone in MLS is in possession of an anus, access to toilet paper is not really a gendered issue. In response, the organisation has created its own hashtag: #getbackinthebathroom.
Fearful about the overall effect on the ozone layer, something much bigger and more important than MLS, some students are advocating for the installation of an eco-friendly drop toilet in the middle of University Square. They have called it the Great Equaliser. The theory is that if students just air their crap out in the open instead of being anally retentive and avoiding face to face discussion, they will see that they are not so different after all.
Surely, like most issues at MLS, the simple answer would be to raise concerns about the status of toilet paper with the faculty, or bring everyone together to generate suggestions for change. In this case, some quilted four ply would surely be welcomed by all.
Overall, this author is worried that students care too much about carving an identity for themselves in opposition to each other and too much about winning arguments to realise that we’d be better off tackling things together.
Whether you stand, squat or hover – whether you scrunch or fold - the truth is that we’re all full of crap. Together we triumph, united we wipe.
Alice Kennedy is a third-year JD student
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