Uncle Max’s Handy Pocket-Book of Established MLS Social Niches

Issue 0, Volume 17

MAX FERGUSON

​Howdy. 
 
For a week now, you’ve gazed in wonderment at the storied halls of Melbourne Law School. In between lapping up healthy doses of LMR, you’ve been worrying about navigating the new friendships and enemyships of your new cohort. Well, worry no longer. I have gone to the trouble of compiling this helpful guide, to allow you to efficiently integrate into the MLS community. 
 
It’s time to buckle up, and get real. In order to maximise time learning, revising, and tending to your growing collection of houseplants, it is optimific to pigeonhole your classmates into one of several easily-identifiable archetypes. By dispelling the illusion that law students have individual personalities, you will free up some much-needed space in the ol’ coconut. An added benefit is that your friends will be easily replaceable should they become lost or damaged, much like IKEA furniture. 

Bloody Harveys

I have summarised the known types below, in that easily-consumed internet format: the listicle. I encourage you to self-identify with one of the below. This will allow you to know what is expected of you in any situation. Choosing a role for yourself will also remove the risk of one being chosen for you – you don’t want to be stuck with a shitty one for three-plus years. 
 
Some might say that the listicle format is derivative, and hackneyed. To those people, I say, when did I ask? If I want my introduction to read like a Buzzfeed quiz, then by Jiminy Cricket, I have my reasons. 
 
Any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental, and not a reason to throw wine on me at a cocktail party.
 
The Wastrel

• You finished your arts degree, and realised that you have absolutely no idea what to do with your life. There are very few paid jobs going in the field of International Politics, so you fall backwards into a law degree.
• Smart, but not as smart as you think.
• w o k e

 
The Georgia

• You probably went to a really cool school, where you were a really cool gal in a really cool group. Now you’re here, for some reason, with the rest of us nerds.
• Listening in class? That’s not as fun as online shopping, and you’re all about having fun. You’re just quirky that way.
• ‘I’m not saying daddy’s loaded, but I didn’t buy this Gucci myself’
• You go to the beach every weekend, because you need to unwind. You lay on your towel, unconcerned by the sun’s rays beating down upon you. Cancer holds no fear for your Sephora-clad skin. You have seen Death, and laughed bitchily in his face. No denizen of the Night can match the terrifying emptiness of your soul. All who once defied your will, despair, for your wrath is terrible. Your enemies shall know eternal torment, their very souls trapped in the ethereal hellscape of the Damned, and their howls of anguish shall nourish your dark essence for aeons. This you swear by the Gods of Anarchy and Blood. Gloir aen ard tuvean. 

 
The Activist

• Birkenstocks, dreadlocks, clothes straight off the shelves of a Fitzroy co-op. 
• It doesn’t really matter what The Cause is. All that matters, is that you dedicate yourself to it with your entire being.
• You excoriate your classmates to WAKE UP, but they’re stuck in their consumerist, drone-like existences, unable to see the world with your clear-eyed precision.
• Showers optional.

 
The Harvey

• Dad works in finance, and you made him proud by doing commerce in undergrad.
• You wear a suit to class, to assert dominance over your classmates. Despite that, you’re still a laid-back guy. You play mixed netball on the weekends, after all.
• You love to grab a few Denzel Frothingtons with the fellas. Haha. Classic.

 
The Nerd

• Solicitor-in-waiting. Probably in something boring, like proofreading disclaimers.
• You’re the kind of human that says, ‘man, I definitely fucked that test’, despite knowing that you made sweet, tender love to that test, and it’s bearing you a beautiful baby boy in June.
• You ask questions in class. Not because you don’t understand, but because you need people to know that you do understand.

 
There, I hope that helps. If you’re a Harvey or a Georgia, consider joining the LSS. If you’re a Nerd, remember that contact lenses provide many of the benefits of glasses, without the social stigma. Remember, no matter what you choose, De Minimis will have content for you this year. Feel free to say g’day if you see me around the place.
 
Now, have fun out there.

Max is a Second Year JD Student and Managing Editor of De Minimis.