Last week, the Dean released one page of the forty-eight page Business Improvement Plan to students. Since we still don’t know what content lies on the other forty-seven pages, your author has resorted to wild conjecture to fill in our gaps of knowledge.
1. On page thirty-six, the BIP has introduced a plan to “cull” non-essential staff through a television reality series style test. Student centre staff will be made to “wrestle each other” in a massive vat of strawberry jam, and well-being staff will be dropped into the outback via helicopter with no food or water, and must find their way back to Melbourne using only the sun and stars to guide them. Survivors will be invited back to the Vice-Chancellor’s mansion, where he will give the strongest staff members a coveted rose, which means their positions are secure for another seventeen months.
2. Page twelve outlines the savings that will be realised once the BIP is implemented. The law school will save approximately eighteen shillings for every euro spent, which equates to a savings of £3,000 per hour, or NZ $18,443,003.12 per quaternary.
3. The savings means the university will be able to spend more less money on other essential items, such as pencils and hair gel.
There are also other cost-cutting measures that are outlined in the BIP:
4. All white wine at staff functions will be replaced with lime-flavoured UDLs.
5. All red wine at staff functions will be replaced with white wine.
6. All lime-flavoured UDLs at staff functions will be replaced with red wine.
7. Law library hours will be reduced to 11am to noon every third Thursday after the second new moon, and will be closed at all other times (except on years in which Easter falls in April).
8. All staff will be required to make a voluntary paycheque contribution to the Vice-Chancellor’s Fund, a new non-profit organisation that will be tasked with securing money for legal fees to pay for unfair dismissal claims.
9. The naming rights to the university will be sold and renamed the University of Golden Gaytime.
The implications of these proposals will be unfolding over the coming decades. De Minimis will keep you informed on any new developments.