Proof universe out of alignment as Julian Sempill wears Bintang singlet to class, “I just miss Bali aye” says elder Sempill Brother.
Issue 8, Volume 18
In a shocking turn of events that has left MLS students reeling, Julian Sempill sat down in front of his Zoom D&E class today sporting a ‘Bintang’-branded tank-top.
The unprecedented move provoked audible gasps from his audience, followed by cries of anguish. Dr. Sempill, who holds a PhD from the University of Oxford, has hitherto cultivated a reputation for unimpeachable personal grooming. His appearance today has shattered that respectable public image.
The ‘Bintang’ beer is an inexpensive staple of the bogan diet in the Indonesian tourist Mecca of Bali. Its name translates to ‘star beer’ in Indonesian, apparently because just a few bottles of this brain varnish causes you to see stars.
‘I just miss Bali, aye,’ Dr. Sempill told reporters. ‘Covid sucks – the sooner I can get back to sucking back frothies with the boys, the better.’ He insisted this reporter refer this him as ‘Big Dog Jules’, and requested I not ‘dog him’ in this story.
When called for comment, Dean of MLS Pip Nicholson audibly retched over the phone, before saying the University takes threats to student wellbeing extremely seriously. ‘If he’s not careful, I’ll promote his little brother above him,’ she fumed.
The vest showed off Julian’s sinewy-strong arms, as well as a heart shaped tattoo on his left shoulder. The meaning of the tattoo wasn’t immediately clear, but a text banner underneath the heart referred to a ‘Shazza’.
‘It feels as though God has forsaken us,’ said one shell-shocked first-year, who declined to be named. ‘I just need somebody to hold me.’
Other sentiments expressed to this reporter included, ‘not a vibe’, ‘worst event of 2020’, and ‘he’s still a zaddy, tho’.
We encourage anyone disturbed by this story to contact the University Support Service.
Winston Baker is a news reporter for De Minimis.