Vol 11, Issue 5
What’s actually happened to Clive Palmer? Australia’s cuddly political buffoon turned enemy of the working class has experienced something of a social media renaissance recently, even going so far as sharing old news clips of himself where the video has been edited to tell everybody to ‘smoke weed every day’, is that pretty much Clive telling people to smoke weed every day? (don’t smoke weed, it makes your eyes fall out) So what brought this transformation on?
Clive was once Australia’s billionaire (millionaire?) answer to Donald Trump before Donald Trump was into politics. He put a party together four months before an election and scored 5% of the vote and Lower House seats (for perspective it took the Greens 18 years to come close to this, even then Adam Bandt is a poor substitute for the Palm). He even had some policies, something about changing corporate tax rate to increase the pension, which he articulated in yelling matches to Karl Stefanovic in between calling Wendy Deng a Chinese spy and telling Rupert Murdoch that he should piss off back to where he came from, (where he came from in the short term: America, not where he came from a while ago..because you know that would just defeat the point).
So what’s actually happened to Clive? Why is he suddenly sharing Memes for the Urban Gentleman? De Minimis has obtained a confidential briefing with Clive’s Dog and can reveal now to you the inner workings of Mr Palmer’s mind.
The turning point was really when Clive started to diet, through his dramatic and quite successful, weight loss Clive showed that a bodily transformation can bring about a mental epiphany. New body, new Clive. He started seeing the world in a whole new way and he wasn’t quite sure how to express his new feelings. Then his deer got shot. Clive posted his outrage on social media and he got something he hadn't had for a while, attention. He’s been pouring out his positive vibes with FB posts such as ‘Give somebody you love a hug’, ‘Help pensioners, they deserve our sympathy’ and ‘Don’t rip off your employees by acting as a shadow director donating all profits into a fledgling political party such that when your company hits an economic downturn you have to lay them all off without pay’.
That last one might not be true, Doggo informs me, he’s been on the Grog again. In Clive’s sudden upsurge in popularity, his dog wonders if the bigger picture has been missed by the legions of meme-adoring fans. Even so, Doggo isn’t really sure what Clive is really looking for but he’s narrowed it down to 3 potential options:
1. A juicy hamburger,
2. A sustainable business enterprise and
So what’s next for the Palm? Surely he can’t share meme videos about himself forever, they’d eventually lose popularity?!
‘I dunno m8’ Doggo says ‘If Clive’s political career proved one thing it’s that he doesn't have a very good hold on what the public are thinking’.
Doggo, however, thinks that Clive has other plans:
‘He changed his Facebook Bio to include Australian National Living Treasure, I reckon he’s going to have himself frozen in Carbonite Han Solo style and stored in the National Gallery of Australia as some sort of Monument to himself’
I ask Doggo if he’s been hitting the grog again and he nods slowly, then adds
‘He reckons he’ll survive a millennia, he wants a future civilisation to be able to clone his DNA to start a theme park with his clones’ ‘They’ll need a million chicken parmas every day just to keep them all fed’
As Doggo rolls over giggling into the shade of a palm tree, this correspondent sees himself off the premises of Clive’s stunning, soon to be foreclosed, golf course, quietly pondering how history will place Clive’s incoherent stream of consciousness Facebook poems in the pantheon of English language poets. Surely above Shakespeare, he never wrote about lettuce and watermelon sauce.
What the hell is watermelon sauce anyway?
(As stated before Clive’s Dog is frequently on the Grog and this should not be taken seriously in any way)
Duncan Willis is a second-year JD student
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