Issue 0. Volume 19
A bright-eyed group of LMR students have been left feeling awkward this week, as it became apparent that their LSS-appointed pathfinders had been engaging in some ‘extracurricular activities’. Third-year JD students Jim Yang (23) and Ally Binsley (24) had been tasked with helping the incoming cohort of MLS students get to know the Law School, but apparently got to know each other pretty well along the way.
“It started on day one, I reckon,” said a member of the pair’s Pathfinder group, on condition of anonymity. “They arrived to every event together, five minutes late and looking rumpled.”
“It’s been really nice of Ally and Jim to show us around this week,” said Billie Jims (21). “I reckon I’ll enjoy law school, if it’s half as much fun as these two are having.”
Of course, there is nothing wrong with a little ‘Pelham Porking’, but it can understandably lead to some discomfort in those who see them sweatily emerge from the MLS garage door.
Compounding matters, the two lovebirds seemed to be under the mistaken impression that they were being discreet, an opinion our sources swiftly contradicted.
“Oh yeah those two are definitely smacking the salmon,” said Greg Gülen (20). “We were going to get them some chocolate as a thank you, but we settled on deodorant and a pack of johnnies.”
Dr. Karen Dimple, MLS professor of Sexology, poured cold water on the budding MLS hitch. “Back when MLS was founded in 1857, this phenomenon was called the ‘two-week twister’, as pathfinder pairings rarely last into semester.”
“I’m so glad we’ve all become so close this week,” Jim was reported to have told the group at the farewell picnic, as he and Ally shared a wink that could be seen by anyone with goddamn eyes in their head.
When confronted, the pair were surprisingly forthcoming about their dalliance. “Things started getting steamy in the Steam 4 Zoom breakout room,” Jim told De Minimis. “We stayed back after everyone else had left the call, and got to chatting. Ally is so smart and thoughtful…”
“Jim’s got a rockin’ bod,” said Ally.
Regrettably, their game of hide-the-cannoli seems to have materially disadvantaged their charges. “We told them we’d forgotten to buy snacks yesterday, but really I ate all the Freddos off Jim’s navel,” Ally told us, conspiratorially. “We used the snakes as bondage tape.”
Whilst De Minimis is slightly unnerved by these developments, we remind readers that ‘Pathfinder Cave Exploring’ is not technically an illegal pursuit, even if it should be.
At press time, MLS staff member Penny Farthing threw them out of her unlocked office.
Winston Baker is a beat reporter for De Minimis.