Volume 19, Issue 10
In bad news for MLS parents, a young clerk’s existing family have been superseded this week, it can be confirmed. De Minimis has independently verified reports that Ray Goopta, the supervising partner of MLS student Virginia Hallifax, has informed the young woman that the firm is her family now.
‘We’re all a family here,’ Mr. Goopta is reported to have said, ‘so if you need anything at all, please just tap the call button on your electronic collar.’ He later added, ‘your appointed sleeping cell is on level B4.’
The celebrated commercial law firm had not previously released any indication that they intended to expand their business into fostering young lawyers, stealing a march on their competitors. Industry analysts say that taking in young students and graduates, and forcing them to sleep on premises as a legal ward of the firm, has the potential to increase productivity.
‘You know, I kind of figured Ray meant it as a figure of speech, at first,’ Ms. Hallifax told De Minimis, ‘but he’s just handed me these adoption papers…which have already been approved by the court.’ She seemed a little put out that the papers in question refer to her as ‘mentally incompetent’, insisting she had graduated third in her MLS corps class. Whatever her opinion on the matter, law firm Helter Smith Skelter is now the official legal guardian of Ms. Hallifax (26).
The new direction of the commercial legal industry has come under fire from human rights lawyer and long-haired hippy Geoffrey Robertson, who has alleged the young lawyers in the Helter Smith Skelter (HSS) basement are housed in ‘inhumane, cramped conditions’.
This move may cause concern amongst some members of the public, after media reports emerged last month alleging that senior HSS executives have this year sacrificed an industry-high seven new recruits, in an effort to draw the favour of the Dark Gods. However, company spokesperson Gillian Arbour bristled at the suggestion the firm might be looking to exploit Ms. Hallifax. She told De Minimis, ‘we can assure you, that our moves to legally adopt Ms. Hallifax and other fresh young morsels are entirely distinct from our longstanding commitment to excellence in the service of Lord Cthulhu.’
The new move looks set to add to Ms. Hallifax’s already extensive workload, as she has been required to come into the office on weekends to participate in company-wide weapons training. This is in addition to her compulsory after-work detox sessions, where employees are encouraged to relieve the stress of the day with yoga, ritualised chanting, and burning their former families in effigy.
Whatever happens, the peppy young Ms. Hallifax remains confident that she can tackle any challenges that come her way. ‘I am fully prepared for the Time of Purification,’ she told reporters, with a smile.
Winston Baker is reporter for De Minimis.