Sem 2 wk 12
Fitness is important. Fit people never die. Ever. I read that in a book once. Ok, I heard it on a podcast. I don’t know how to read. My parents failed me. As did the New Zealand schooling system. Also reading books is for old people, and podcasts are for cool millennials drowning in a sea of consumer and student debt. Being young is cool, because the youth are the future. To remain youthful I would personally advise YOU to go to the gym.
Going to the gym is fun, because it makes you feel bad about yourself. Self-hate is critical for personal development, according to my recently divorced uncle. My personal mentor, Tony Robbins, once advised me through YouTube that if someone shows you charity, you should squeeze them dry and throw their carcasses by the wayside. With that in mind, let’s go to the gym!
Firstly, don’t go to the university gym. There are university students there. Everyone knows that university students are gross and should not be looked at. Go to Fitness First. It’s expensive and full of corporate douchebags so it’s got to be good. Price always means quality. I learned that from another personal mentor, Gwyneth Paltrow (shout out to Goop).
Walking into Fitness First for the first time can be a sensory overload. Weights clanging. Men grunting. Me crying. Sometimes, it is all too much to bear and might make you want to run out of the gym, screaming with rage. But never fear! Fit people with perfect bodies disgust me, so instead of hearing from them, these are my three top tips when gymming as a non-fit person.
Go forth and prosper.