Issue 5, Semester 2
Romance is strange terrain, and sometimes we need a map. Whilst the Courts of Chancery have stepped in to correct injustice in the common law, there is however, no court that can correct the injustice of a broken heart. Equity’s Darling is here to help you balance your love of laws with the laws of love.
I recently started dating my friend’s ex-boyfriend, and now she’s accusing me of having stolen him from her. Am I a bad person?
CONCERNED IN COLLINGWOOD
The truth is that love can be competitive. We tend to view our relationships as something that we own, but at the end of the day everybody is free to make their own choices. Unless you’re in the habit of taking boys from friends’ rooms in the middle of the night with a burglary kit and burlap sack, you didn’t steal anything. If you are – do you have any recommendations for a good fence? I have a lot of mugs and cutlery I’ve been stealing from the first-floor kitchenette that I need to flip.
Side note: something else that technically isn’t stealing? Walking into a supermarket and taking somebody else’s trolley before they pay for their groceries. It’s way faster, and you get to try new things!
My girlfriend and I have been together for about eight months, but she is still close with her ex, who was a complete asshole to her. I don’t want to be controlling, but I can’t help feeling a bit insecure. How should I handle this?
RESTLESS IN RICHMOND
This is a difficult situation. People can remain close with ex-partners for lots of reasons. Some are harmless, some aren’t. Feeling jealousy or insecurity is natural, but the key is to communicate your concerns to her honestly.
That being said, ask yourself what she may have been getting from her previous relationship that’s lacking in yours. Possibly, she’s attracted to the idea of the ‘bad boy’, in which case your course of action is obvious. You must seek to emulate history’s greatest bad boy, economist and proponent of monetarist theory, Milton Friedman. Now, I won’t lie to you – if you go down this route then you’re looking at some pretty drastic changes to your lifestyle. You’re going to want to rub lye into your scalp to get some good premature balding going. From now on, only ever speak in quotes from A Monetary History of the United States 1867 – 1960. Frequently and publicly criticize Federal Reserve policies. Never, ever break character.
# equitysdarling #ladieslovereaganomics
I recently moved in with my boyfriend. So far, it’s going well; however, he is a vegan and I am not. Now that we live together, it’s manifesting as a weird tension when we eat. What do I do?
HUNGRY IN HEIDELBERG
Having a different lifestyle to your partner doesn’t have to be a deal breaker – however when those differences manifest themselves in your regular routines, that can be difficult. Much of the DNA of successful relationships is built into the substructure of shared patterns such as your work schedules, leisure times and sleep cycles. If dietary differences mean that you’re going to be feeling anxiety at every meal, you’ve got a problem.
If you’re not willing to make the change to veganism yourself, try looking for other habits the two of you can build together instead. My personal advice – give lycanthropy a try. Get yourself bitten by a werewolf and make a big event out of the monthly ritual of him chaining you up during the full moon to keep society safe from your murderous rampages. Light some candles and put on Teen Wolf. Or better yet, bite him too and take the plunge into nocturnal shapeshifting together! As a bonus, once he sees how much fun it is to hunt your fellow man for sport, moral outrage over the occasional lamb cutlet will probably seem a tad hypocritical.
My long-term partner and I are stuck in a bit of a rut in the bedroom. We recently had somebody move out of our house, and they left behind some ‘interesting’ videos behind in some storage boxes. I’d like to try using them to spice up our love life, but I’m not sure how to broach the subject. Any suggestions?
AMOROUS IN ABBOTSFORD
Oh, fuck off Dad. Stay out of my things.
Have your own questions for Equity’s Darling? Email firstname.lastname@example.org . Or, just write them up and send them to Vice Chancellor Glyn Davis. We hear that he loves that kind of shit.