GE Vice-President of East Coast Television
and Microwave Oven Programming
This is an excerpt from a speech given by Mr Jack Donaghy to the Annual Six Sigma Outreach Conference. As you may have guessed, Mr Donaghy has been doing some consulting work for the University. He has kindly allowed us to share some of his insights into the Business Improvement Plan.
I wanted to talk to you about the Business Improvement Plan put in place by the fine executives of Melbourne University Ltd. [STARE ACCUSINGLY]. It’s come under a lot of misinformed criticism from you farming types and I won’t have it.
The BIP is a fascinating new piece of innovation. Its many qualities combine to make one excellent product. Innovation. Rejuvenation. Synergy. The BIP opens up a new world of possibilities for the university and its consumers.
Now I know none of you here got into Princeton, so this may be tough for you to understand but I’ll give it a shot: the lower the cost of production, and the higher the unit price, the better the product. This simple structural analytic insight lies at the heart of all that the BIP is. It’s the magic of capitalism and if it works for microwaves, it works for universities.
So how do we achieve this kind of high-powered product synthesis? Ruthless efficiency and pure guts, that’s how. Efficiency and guts. Let me give you an example. As the Provost has made clear, the University has several core competencies, or “core comps”, which need improvement. You complained that it can be hard to deal with administrative staff, that they sometimes make things overly complicated and create delays. Nobody expected it from you kale-and-communism sympathisers, but this was great feedback. The university heard you, and these staff are now being let go. No more salaries, and no more delays. [BEAM PROUDLY]. Leveraged efficiency like this takes Reagan-level guts. [BEAM HARDER].
As university leadership has made clear, at the end of the day the BIP will allow for greater deregulation and improved individual client revenue contributions, leading to greater centralised high-impact technologies and wider cross-unit dynamic integration. This will allow for an almost seamless integration of backward overflow. [PAUSE FOR EFFECT]. This kind of synergy is important and it doesn’t come easy.
But if you ask me, the most ground-breaking aspect of the BIP is one that hasn’t drawn any attention at all just yet: product integration. It’s a great new way for all parts of the campus to work together for the good of the business. Did you know your High Court consumes more Red Bull than any other useless government agency in the country? Just saying “Red Bull” in a crowded room like this is enough to cover the costs of some cheapskate unpatriotic newspaper for three years. That’s product integration, and it’s the future of tertiary education.