Vol 12, Issue 5
“Oh boy, I hope I get selected!” my internal monologue chirped as I hit submit on the Linklaters Rose International Moot™. It was up to my wonderful LSS Competitions Directors of course. I blinked as my eyes readjusted to the light of the cramped seminar room, I was tired having attended Allens Yoga™ that morning, in the hopes some LSS would see me there and realise I was a good representative of the law school, but I knew all hope was lost, they'd just give the Linklaters Rose International Moot™ place to a friend of theirs, that probably had higher grades than me anyway.
I looked to the image on the Corrs Chambers Westgarth Projector™. I'd done the readings, without even listening, I knew what was coming.
As if on cue, a snicker ripples across the 600 customers in my elective. Edelman CJ had delivered a stinging barb to a Gaudron J decision. Who can blame him, everyone knows Gaudron wasn't even in the LSS in her time.
Class ends on that note and industrious customers begin to clamour all over each other to get down to the MULSS Sausage Sizzle Brought to you by Bain and Co™ before they ran out of white wine. There was a rumour that He might be there. I was going to go anyway, but now I had to make sure I looked good, in case He saw me.
I was surprised they could even afford to pay for all the sausages and wine to feed the 4000 strong cohort at MLS, but I knew He'd find a way. After all, a procession of LSS leaders had endorsed a large MLS as a strong MLS. He had overseen the installation of Ashurst Two Storey Desks™ across all classrooms, and apologised that there still wasn't enough seats in class for everyone, but rationalised the Depressed Persons Presented by KPMG™ won't attend, giving them a 10% leeway. He is so wise.
I sat and ate my sausage in the throng of people, looking for signs of Him, or any LSS for that matter. I knew if I just spoke to one of them for five minutes I would be able to convince them that I'm a good customer.
A wide eyed customer thrust a flyer into my hand. The first year co opt disappeared before I had a chance to raise my head.I studied the multicultural cast of faces and bright text that adorned the piece in front of me:
MULSS LAW CUSTOMERS FOR REFUGEES! Presented by Citicorp™
Do you know that every year people flee war torn countries for a chance at better life. When they come to “the lucky country” they're intercepted, separated and moved into imposing facilities, with no freedom in sight.
In honour of a former LSS leader, join us for a Lawyer's Picnic to learn from industry insiders about how to properly utilise commercial solutions from these economically distressed clients!
A friend grabbed my sleeve, and before I knew it I was being pulled back through the Arnold Bloch Leibler Automatic Doors™, past the CO-BRANDING IS POWER, PARTYING IS STRENGTH posters, and into the level 2 bathrooms next to the Viagra Machines Presented by KPMG™.
“Man, how can you eat that shit?” he motions to my wine and sausage.
“What do you mean? We need to go to MULSS Parties to show we're joiner inners and have commercial acumen!”
“Don't you see!? This cheap meat and booze! Its poisoning you! It keeps you dumb and complacent, so you don't question when you get fucked! Don't you -”
“Hold on there buddy. Controlled consumption? I think you're mixing pastiches. This is more Orwellian and you seem to be going down a BNW path. Well, actually everything is derivative of Russian author Yev-”
“Shut up! Don't you care about class sizes? Lecture recordings! The Viz Moot!....”
He was ranting again. He often ranted about The Other Place. A place that taught law that wasn't controlled by their LSS. He said they had smaller, recorded classes, faculty selection of “students” for competition and less sponsorship. Partly, he said this was due to a party system where policies mattered and people worked for reelection. It sounds sad to me. I don't know if it's a real place or not. It’s supposedly a long train ride away and as a post grad tickets are expensive, but I don't care. After all, He said the LSS doesn't need to worry about stuff out there, because the parties are always in the city.
He always rationalises like that. It's like He just knows the answer. There's even a paper that He allows, in his mercy, to operate without LSS supervision. Though it's an open secret the Editors love him as much as I do, He's so affable.
I worried about my friend, but then I realised, this is an opportunity. I quickly tapped out an email to the LSS Communications Directors, nominating my friend as a Gilbert+Tobin Subversive Person™, now they'll definitely recognise me.
I backed away slowly. Quickly grabbing some Viagra by KPMG™, maybe I can fulfil His wish and produce a bevy of future MLS Customers this weekend.
He sighed as He got into the DLA Piper Elevator™. It had been a long day and it was only 2pm. He saw a familiar face.
“Hello, Mr President.” She said with a smile.
He beamed back at Her, and extended His hand. In His sleepiness, He forgot to verbalise.
“Well...I look forward to working with you” She said, stepping out at level 9.
In His one level journey of free time, His mind turned to His memories, memories of Her.
Together, they could have ruled. Her the faculty, Him the customers and sponsors. Over late night cocktails they laughed at the common misconception of LSS loyalty, discussed the importance of sponsorship moving forward, and made love. But inevitably, Her husband found out and put an end to it. The husband was some hot shot lawyer himself, but as she confessed, “he wasn't even in the LSS in his day.”
He was aware of the effect he had on women, but were they aware of the effect they had on Him?
He pushed such thoughts to the back of his mind as He got off at level 10. His phone was blowing up. Some Partner from Blackburn Gordon wanting space in the careers guide. They bought him chocolates. One of them contained nougat. He hated nougat.
He answered the call, the desperate non corporate ambulance chaser was begging. He didn't listen,
“Nah mate” He hung up and walked into the applause of Conference Room Drinks Presented By the MULSS.
Nicholas Parry-Jones is a third-year JD student
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