Volume 8, Issue 4
In a rare scoop, De Minimis has received an unverified leak from a highly-placed source within the Liberal Party. With all these leaks of late, it seems the Libs need a good plumber. I’m sure Ricky Muir knows a guy (Ed.)
[Secret & confidential: to be circulated to the Brandis Brigade only]
● Combat green vigilantism. Lawfare must be stopped.
● Protect the vulnerable: Mega Mining, Inc., & affiliates. Reports show that Mega Mine Project #47 being delayed by lawfare could lead to revelations of financial inviability, resulting in significant impacts on levels of Synergy and Dynamism.
● Greenie groups. They’ve found that blasted loophole in the Constitution – something to do with freedom of political communication, I don’t know – and they’re using it to communicate freely about political matters. This is clearly inappropriate and a threat to The Economy.
● The people. They are too easily swayed by morality and reason; they can’t be trusted with the government’s generous gift of legal rights.
● Community Legal Centres. When’s the last time you let an employee you’re paying help the competition? Exactly. Rank insubordination.
● The courts. For some accursed reason, they still say what the law is in this country. This is clearly nonsense, because that’s what I do: see above. They have also been inconveniently willing to let individual citizens assert their legal rights, which is dangerous: see above.
● Skinks. They’re not even real lizards.
● Appoint former golfing mates to Positions of Influence (POIs). POIs include Royal Commissioners; Tribunal Members; Judges; Media Tycoons. Have someone speak to Veronica over at the Country Club for list of potential candidates. Must be manipulable. Evidence of consciencelessness encouraged. Anyone who queries whether ‘consciencelessness’ is a word is unsuitable.
● Attack the ‘rule of law’. I’ve never been clear on what this is, but it doesn’t matter: it sounds dangerous. I make the rules. And the law. The rules I make are the law.
● Distract and instil fear in the citizenry with pictures of terrorists and sharks. Can we put a shark in a hijab?
● Insert the following provision into all legislation relating to migration, citizenship, the environment and whatever it is poor people care about (Centrecare? Medilink?):
‘Decisions made by the Minister in the exercise of powers conferred under this Act are to be considered acts of God and therefore above contestation on any grounds whatsoever.’
● FIRE GILLIAN TRIGGS. Run a defamation suit against First Dog on the Moon. Have Waleed Aly sent back to wherever he came from. (Ed: Monash, I think).
Sarah Moorhead is a second year JD student.