Volume 1, Issue 6 (Originally Published on 1 April 2012)
De Maximis[sic] has learned that concern over high student computer usage rates during class hours is compromising the Law School's IT systems and also causing too many students to lose concentration and fall behind. There have been many complaints over the numerous IT failings of late, and the cause has now been identified. Simultaneously, Law School authorities have expressed serious concern that electronic distractions during class will harm students' concentration and marks to such an extent that the School will lose its coveted Quacquarelli Symonds rating.
A source said, “We know that this move will not be popular at first. But we hope to pass on to students the savings in electricity bills. Also, they will understand that it really is time to take drastic action over our Third World IT overload problems.”
It's out with the new and in with the old, since the ban on laptops will coincide with a crash course in legal Latin. A member of the faculty confided that the poor statutory interpretation skills will be honed by a revision of the traditional common law canons of construction.
“Students learned about text, context and purpose in LMR, with just a brief reference to the canons of construction that have guided statutory interpretation for centuries. It's clear that they need revision of those, both to make use of them in reading statutes and also once they enter practice. The Law School wants to be able to boast that it has trained the next Lord Denning — and that means quoting Latin like Cicero!”
Privately, some insiders speculate that the renewed emphasis on traditional values and learning will conceal the fact that Sydney has the country's oldest law school. That Sydney has this accolade has always rankled, and is the secret reason that Melbourne Law School is hellbent on flaunting its status as the most prestigious, hard-working, hard-marking, super-fantastic, orgiastic law school in the country, universe, urbi et orbi — amen.