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Issue 12, Semester 1, 2019 YING WONG  Ying is a Second Year JD Student and the 2019 Online Editor for De Minimis.
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Issue 12, Semester 1, 2019 VARIOUS AUTHORS As the final days of semester draw to a close, and the shadow of exams turns from a menacing smudge in the corner of our vision to a looming monstrosity of Brobdingnagian proportions, it’s only natural that we begin indulging ourselves in the various pathologies enjoyed by overworked and overreacting students. In eager anticipation of this season’s line-up of oneiric terrors, we bring you an anthology of some of our choicest stress dreams to provide inspiration for your own nightmares! *****  Image: Luci Gutierrez, The Atlantic Issue 12, Semester 1, 2019 GRIMALDUS The University of Melbourne prides itself on being a safe, and inclusive, space for all those who find themselves within its grand old grounds. As part of its commitment to healthy spaces, the University banned all smoking (and vaping, chewing, etc.) on any campus. The powers-that-be recognised that not only can second-hand smoke be injurious in the long term, but it also presents an immediate danger to asthmatics (such as myself), and others who are differently-abled. This is to say nothing of the sheer unpleasantness inherent to walking through a cloud of someone else’s already-circulated, foul-smelling air, multiple times a day.  Issue 12, Semester 1, 2019 EDGAR BOX In her speech on Friday announcing her resignation as British Prime Minister, Theresa May declared that it was in the best interests of the country for a new Prime Minister to lead the effort toward the United Kingdom’s departure from the European Union. These words reminded me of an old theatre expression, whose source I wish I knew. ‘Whether you are doing terrifically, or whether you are doing terribly, it’s never too early to get off the stage.’ It would have been well for the conservatives to have heeded this lesson earlier. If May hopes that her exit might pave the way for another leader to finally negotiate a new relationship between Britain and the EU, more in line with the UK’s nationalistic interests, then whenever the appropriate moment to step aside actually was, June 7th 2019 is by far, too late.  Issue 12, Semester 1, 2019
To the Tram-Going Public at Large, What the hell is wrong with all of you people? I’ve seen trams bring out the worst in people. I know that asking for a common-sense method of distributing humans around a busy tram carriage to prevent bottlenecks at the doors is apparently too much, and that asking people to move over to the window seat when they sit down to allow other people into the spare space is just greedy—but I never thought I’d actually see the day when octogenarians are left standing so that a bunch of hopped-up college kids can take up six rows of seating on their way out to ABC or wherever. Is it just me, or is our city’s public transport etiquette getting worse? LOCOMOTIVE IN LILYDALE *******
Corque Mann (who is definitely not Karan Desai, 2019 Layout Editor of De Minimis) is a Third Year JD Student on the brink(-ibon Ltd v Stahag Stahl und Stahlwahrenhandelgesellschaft mbH) of an existential crisis.  Issue 11, Semester 1, 2019 ANISHA THOMAS  Illustration by Anisha Thomas. Anisha is a Third Year JD Student and the 2019 Editor in Chief of De Minimis.
Issue 11, Semester 1, 2019 LACHLAN SMITH *SPOILERS FOR GAME OF THRONES SEASON 8 ARE CONTAINED WITHIN!* I love Game of Thrones. So much so that I put down A Storm of Swords around season three to better enjoy the television series. This is rare for me—I’m one of those wankers that usually praises books over their adaptations. Martin has always been a better storyteller than a writer, and the storytelling was wonderfully appropriated for our screens (whether it be via Foxtel, or through other reproachable methods). But now I hate it.  Issue 11, Semester 1, 2019 YING WONG It’s nearly clerkship season. Lunchtimes are filled with events hosted by law firm upon law firm, aimed at pitching what ‘separates their company from the pack.’ Networking evenings are aplenty, and everyone seems to be in a suit every other day. The anxiety and tension are palpable—you can almost smell it.  Issue 11, Semester 1, 2019 LARA SHIRLEY Editor's note: The version of this article published here on this site contains revisions, and differs to the version released in print on Tuesday 21 May 2019. For those not in the know, “unicorn hunters” are straight couples who create Tinder profiles to look for women for threesomes, and they are increasingly omnipresent in the modern queer dating landscape. Even people from this very law school make these profiles! I have seen them with my own deeply homosexual eyes. Virtually every queer millennial woman I know is familiar with this phenomenon, and I have yet to meet one who isn’t deeply annoyed by it. But are queer women justified in our negative feelings towards these people? Or are we sex-negative prudes, NIMBYs of the lesbian-internet-dating-world, narrow-mindedly pooh-poohing the expansion of sexual diversity and exploration? Friends: let’s discuss.  Issue 10, Semester 1, 2019 J GRIMALDUS If you’re a law student like me, then you probably know that you are setting yourself up to be loathed. According to that stalwart of the journalistic profession, thebalancecareers.com, lawyers are in the top ten hated professions, alongside tax auditors and used car salespeople. Lawyers have a reputation in the community for being self-serving gougers, protecting rapists, murderers, and drug dealers, from the rough justice of the mob. It’s well established that lawyers drink the blood of their clients, but did you know they are also known to question our elected officials, and even give succour to illegal immigrants?  Issue 10, Semester 1, 2019 ANONYMOUS I get up at 7:00am. As usual, I haven’t slept anywhere near enough, maybe four or five hours. Realistically, that’s entirely my fault. Once again, I didn’t plan out my week properly and was left rushing to catch up on assignments and readings late into the night. I make myself a coffee before I shower and have another one immediately afterward. If this isn’t one of the months I’ve quit smoking then I’ll have a cigarette or two. If it is, then I’ll apply a patch and chew some Nicorette gum. Either way, by the time I’m out the door, with a sandwich in hand for breakfast, my blood is already swimming with caffeine and nicotine, and I’m riding another wave of blood pressure and heart palpitations throughout the day.  Issue 10, Semester 1, 2019 JANELLE KOH Yasmin is convinced that her writing career cannot begin until she leads a more interesting life. Hell, she doesn’t ever go anywhere, not even in her dreams. In her sleep she lies on her stomach, chin propped up by a pillow. Arms by her side, she resembles a proud seal, offering its whiskers to the wind. Unfortunately, this is where the flourishes of her behaviour end, for her nights are dreamless. She closes her eyes at 1 a.m., opens them at ten in the morning, and goes to the library, where she works a couple days a week putting paper slips in the books on reserve. Is she unimaginative? Yasmin hopes not, but doesn’t exclude the possibility that she might be. It is an insecurity she has carried with her for much of her young adult life, tucked safely in the back pocket of her Cotton On jeans. Holly, the person Yasmin is currently seeing, assures Yasmin that she isn’t unimaginative. But Yasmin knows that the people you sleep with have to say such things, in order for the sex to continue.  Issue 10, Semester 1, 2019 X. TRA *Due to lack of funding, no actual articles will accompany these headlines.
X. Tra is a Third Year JD Student  Issue 10, Semester 1, 2019 PED ANT To the student streaming the NBA playoffs on your laptop in the Level Three study area: While there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with your desire to keep up to date with Damian Lillard’s ridiculous three-pointers and Nikola Jokic’s freakish passing, come on dude. It’s Level Three. We have to use our study cards to access this space in the first place! This special, nay, sacred, space is so important that we have security posted outside of it during SWOTVAC to keep out the great unwashed (i.e. literally anyone not enrolled in Australia’s Number One Law School™ according to metrics of questionable value which primarily take into account research output rather than anything to do with the actual standards of teaching taking place, but that’s a matter for another day and another article).  Issue 9, Semester 1, 2019 ASAD KASIM-KHAN This article details instances of how an inflexible ‘policy’ culture at Melbourne Law School leads to silence in the face of discrimination. It highlights how, if unchecked, this can cause great harm and perpetuate a status quo that is violent against minorities. In 2017, a friend happened across an Islamophobic cartoon printed out on level nine in front of a lecturer’s office. It was removed, and the Dean and that lecturer insisted that they didn’t know how it got there. The Dean responded that the cartoon had been removed, and that she believed it was inappropriate. And yet that the cartoon was ever printed out and publicly displayed in the first place represents a lack of cultural awareness.  Issue 9, Semester 1, 2019 SOPHIE LLOYD I was hesitant to accept the Aurora Internship in Katherine at the North Australian Aboriginal Justice Agency (NAAJA). I had applied for placement in Melbourne as I had some knowledge of the local Aboriginal history and cultures. Katherine seemed like a step too far—I had no knowledge of the political or cultural landscape and knew no one who lived there. After conversations with family, friends and university mentors, I realised that I would never feel ‘ready’. I was encouraged to recognise and never underestimate my ignorance, and to exercise patience in emerging from it. I accepted the internship under no delusions that I could actually help in any way. Rather, I wanted to ally myself with Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people through listening, absorbing and learning. Immersing myself in a wholly new environment was beneficial as it forced me to confront my prejudices and insecurities. The internship was a total culture shock and provided the challenging, thought-provoking and inspiring experience I had been hoping for.  Issue 9, Semester 1, 2019 CHARLOTTE DAWSON Last Thursday night, members of our cohort gathered together for the annual LSS Law Ball, a strange ritual that has long puzzled anthropologists, and whose key function seems to be the transformation of tens of thousands of dollars of Centrelink Student Allowance into a year or so of collectively aggregated hangover. Some people might frown at the maldistributed priorities that comes with the week of fasting my friends and I undertook to squeeze into our dresses, and the volume of cosmetics we applied; which if ever accidentally dropped into the Yarra would constitute a mid-tier ecological disaster. However, what these detractors fail to realise is that powering through a hazy evening, using alcohol to push down your vague feelings of anxiety and career choice dissatisfaction is actually an important piece of vocational training for the next forty years of after-work drinks and uncomfortable cocktail parties that we’ll be subjecting ourselves to. So, for those who made the sensible choice to stay home with their cats and other assorted loved ones, I offer up the opportunity of a vicarious window into this year’s LSS Law Ball.  Issue 9, Semester 1, 2019 To the lofty girl who is uncannily everywhere I turn, There is no deep connection here, just feelings I now seek desperately to rid myself of. Thank you for your modicum of basic human courtesy. Had I known it to be in such short supply I might've saved myself the trouble. I have no intention of conversing with you at Law Ball. Enjoy your evening! IN REPAIR IN RIPPONLEA <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Editor’s note: This submission was received shortly before Law Ball last week  Issue 9, Semester 1, 2019 J GRIMALDUS I should say at the outset here, that I am not a hipster. I don’t wear a turtleneck, I don’t drink at The Brunny, and I don’t know where my coffee beans are sourced from. I like to think, too, that I don’t hate on things just for being popular. You do you, boo. However, my normal dude credentials took a hit this month, with the release of Avengers: Endgame.  Issue 8, Semester 1, 2019 KASSIE MCALEAR Dear Melbourne Law School, What the heck? What’s with the botched class enrolment and elective process? You’re making studying law so much harder than it should be. Going into third year, I’ve heard more complaints from fellow students than I have in the last two years! This is a #rant, so gimme the mic coz I AM MAD. 
Issue 8, Semester 1, 2019
KARAN DESAI This is a follow-up playlist to the LMR one, with the main theme being "second year" — but it's still usable regardless of year! So here are 60 songs for each day until the end of semester. Hopefully you find it #motivational, #relatable or at least #nottoodepressing. Either way, it should pair well with the hard times, the good times, the weird times and just the times that we all have at some point during the JD. Karan is a Third Year JD Student and the 2019 Layout Editor for De Minimis. Issue 8, Semester 1, 2019 YING WONG  Ying is a Second Year JD Student and the 2019 Online Editor of De Minimis.
Issue 8, Semester 1, 2019 More lovelorn hearts @ MLS. Submit your missed connections (real or fantasy) to mlsdeminimis@gmail.com To the Dreamboat I saw on the Mezzanine the other day When I saw you, I noticed you wore glasses. Presumably you still do. They make you look reflective. I liked your shoes, they seemed well-made. That’s good, they suggest future earning potential. You also carried a Frank Green cup. I do want my future husband to care for the environment. I haven’t managed to track you down on Facebook yet, but my parents already approve of our match. Would you like to get coffee sometime? And if that goes well, discuss moving into a small cottage in the countryside? BESOTTED IN BRUNSWICK ***  Issue 8, Semester 1, 2019 S. NOTT I caught you picking your nose! I saw it. You saw me saw it. You passed it off as a vigorous nose rub, but we both know. You had your finger straight up your honker as if you were trying to finger your most lubricated orifice like the world would end tomorrow. What did you find in there, padawan? Did you hit gold? Was it one of those hard nuggets that kind of hurts to dislodge? A wet gooey but satisfying bit to pull out? Or did I schnoz-block you before the fruits of your labour were actualised? You are not alone. If anyone takes the time to watch people engrossed in their own work in public spaces they too will behold the fallacy of privacy: where people think they’re in their own bed at night, winding down, no one cleaning the pool outside the window who might catch them in the act. It’s like searching for shooting stars: you don’t see them unless you’ve been properly looking for a while – and then WHAM the stars are flying around like rice at a wedding – or looking at ants in the grass – you thought you were sitting on a terra nullius patch of grass to claim with your chubby derriere but then, upon closer inspection, you’re actually just a colonial glob who has squished a thousand beautiful and harmless bugs with your stupid whomper. Nose pickers are everywhere. It starts with a sniffle, a little nostril wiggle, a finger jiggle that just can’t be tamed… I’m not here to snot-shame anyone though. As Lilly Allen sings, ‘everyone’s at it’. Please, by all means, pick away… but know that these hills have eyes. S. Nott is a Third Year JD Student  |
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